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More on How Femme Discussions are Making Me Think About My Sexuality

February 20, 2009

I was checking out response posts to Sinclair’s discussion of femme markers (note to self, ‘Sugarbutch’ is name of blog, ‘Sinclair’ is blogger, eep), and I really resonated with a comment over at Sublime Femme Unbound. Sublime Femme had asked some additional questions that Sinclair had not originally addressed, and buddhistfemme responded near the end of her comment (apologies if that’s the wrong pronoun):

I also experience a sense of fun and play in terms of the performance- when a man propositions me, I get to tell him that I’m queer (that the performance is not for him) and when I encounter a butch, it’s a way of nonverbally communicating my desire. This goes along with using my body.

This is something that I wasn’t able to articulate when I wrote about my markers as a dominant sadist. The reason I’m curious about developing markers is because I want a non-verbal way to communicate my desire. How do I use my body to communicate my desire for submissive people, that my effort and performance is for them, not for the vanilla men who typically proposition me?

9 Comments leave one →
  1. February 21, 2009 4:21 am

    This is a fascinating exploration. Please write more.

  2. ranat permalink*
    February 21, 2009 4:28 am

    I will. As soon as I actually think of something. I’m rather stumped. *ponders*

  3. Mz Sue permalink
    February 21, 2009 7:26 am

    These things are subtle. They work and they don’t. And they will still attract vanilla men.

    Attitude. Eyes. I’m sure there are other things, but for me, it has always been attitude and eyes.

    Attitude. This doesn’t mean I’m a bitch, not overtly, … although my “attitude” is considered by many to be bitchy simply because I don’t maintain many socially conventionally behaviors that (yes, even in 2008) females “should.”

    I don’t defer automatically in conversations. I don’t assume I’m wrong. I don’t need anyone to save me from situations, life, conversations. I’m direct about what I want and I don’t apologize for wanting stuff. (Note: this doesn’t mean I boss everyone around, that would be rude. It simply means that if I’m thirsty and someone asks me what I want to do, I’ll say what I want to do instead of hemming and hawing with “I don’t know, what do you want to do.” Etc.

    I really can only think of the things that other people mention when it (repeatedly) comes up how 1. I am intimidating and/or 2. I exude dominance. (P.S. I try not to exude sadism if I can help it.) And it boils down to the above descriptions of attitude.

    Oh, and….


    I hold eye contact longer than most women. The default vanilla ‘coy’ flirtation marker is “Make eye contact. Look down and away. (Perhaps a hint of a smile here.) Look back. Look away.” That *model* indicates attraction. At least according to every woman’s magazine out there.

    I am unable to do that without looking a bit like I’m mocking someone. Evidently if my eyes are going to roll, they’re going to roll up in a sardonic manner. I did try to adopt this technique during my trying-to-play-by-‘nilla-rules phase, otherwise known as my early 20’s.

    But I defaulted into my natural eye contact mode. I am direct. I maintain eye contact when I am interested in talking to someone, interested in what they say, interested in them. It makes many people uncomfortable. I like that. It allows me to read submissive markers (which, btw, I can talk much easier about since I’ve paid more attn to those lol) such as their deferring, coy eye contact. It also reads as a power/dominance mode somehow, I don’t look away first.

    Oooh and… humor. I will throw out tests to see if someone is submissive, masochistic, or just willing by dropping things that can be either humorous or suggestive, depending on where their head is at. (i.e. “Naughty boy, you deserve a spanking.”) But… that’s a verbal marker.

    Not sure that rambly bit makes sense. And I’m not sure I want to become to aware of my own “markers” as it seems a bit contrived. I’d rather be me, all the mixed up bits that go into creating ‘sadist, dominant, hetero, etc etc etc” and not find a codified way of acting to send out the *signal* of all of those things.

    Although having a t-shirt with every adjective and descriptor I can think of to describe myself is strangely, vainly appealing!

  4. Mz Sue permalink
    February 21, 2009 7:28 am

    ** 2009… yeah, I’m still writing 2008 on my checks, too. Descriptor to add to mentioned t-shirt: “Time-concept-challenged”

  5. Roseread permalink
    February 21, 2009 12:09 pm

    I’m with Mz Sue–everything she said.

    Or you get really really lucky, which is what happened to me.

  6. ranat permalink*
    February 21, 2009 3:17 pm

    @Mz Sue – Thanks for telling me about your experience!

    Some of the behaviors you describe are already a part of my personality, and have been forever. As you say, sometimes its construed as bitchy because it’s not sufficiently ‘modest’ or something.

    “Not sure that rambly bit makes sense. And I’m not sure I want to become to aware of my own “markers” as it seems a bit contrived. I’d rather be me, all the mixed up bits that go into creating ’sadist, dominant, hetero, etc etc etc” and not find a codified way of acting to send out the *signal* of all of those things.”

    My desire to signal comes largely from the fact that I spend a lot of time away from kinky-spaces, which are almost exclusively big cities (which I loathe). Sending out the mating call of the dominant woman (*imagines*), is one more way for me to find partners.

    @Roseread – Apparently people do indeed end up lucky, which I think is pretty cool. :)


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