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Dominance and Submission Outside the Bedroom

October 22, 2008

The same post by Unspeakable Axe that I referred to in my previous post got me thinking about dominance and submission outside sex.

At one of the first kink community events I attended, some one told me in response to a question I asked that people who weren’t interested in finding kinky sex partners, just kinky partners, were an oppressed minority. This set the tone for the rest of my admittedly limited experience with the City scene I’m sporadically participating in.

Almost everyone I meet is interested almost exclusively in kinky sex. Every BDSM group I have attended has explicitly labeled itself as education about kinky sex. Many sex bloggers thoroughly enjoy their kinky sex, or their kinky activities leading up to sex. Bitchy Jones frequently asks about many “femdom” activities, “And where is my orgasm?” The woman loves kinky sex. That’s cool for her. What I don’t get is having kinky sex to the exclusion of all other kinky activities (not Jones specifically, but all the assholes who try to tell me that I have to have sex to be happy and/or fulfilled, or, God forbid, “normal”).

At this point in my life, I’m not interested in having sex with anyone. Not even myself. I don’t have sex, not even with myself, except when I’m ovulating and I get desperate enough to go through the whole pointless, hollow exercise again hoping something will be different (that’s one definition of insanity). Someday I want to enjoy sex thoroughly, even with myself.

But for now, I just want to beat up and tie up men. And leave them bruised and bleeding in uncomfortable positions.

Apparently though, everyone else wants some kind of sex. The other day on Fetlife, a man messaged me:

I’m really curious how you combine sustainability with BDSM?

Is it because you hunt men locally or only beat organic subs?

I thought that was pretty cute (and he was listed in a place near a well-established ecovillage, so there was always the possibility he could be a permaculturist slave), so I messaged him back. I did not offer any kind of play, or say I was looking for play, and it is very clearly listed on my profile that I am not looking for a play partner, but he messages me back mentioning how he is looking for a woman to humiliate, anally rape, and feminize him, and how he’s only five hours away.

Now, he wasn’t obnoxious at all, other than giving me that unsolicited information. The thing is, though, while at some point in my life I want to have my very own submissive man to anally rape constantly, that’s not what I’m looking for now.

I don’t want to have sex.

I don’t understand why other people don’t understand that.

Which brings me back to the subject of dominance and submission outside the bedroom.

I like that idea. I’m not just dominant sexually, I just have a dominant (sometimes domineering, overbearing) personality. I feel like being able to dominate someone in a healthy way would help me tone it the fuck down, to be able to express my dominant tendencies without going into overkill.

I picture any long-term relationship I’d have with a submissive/slave as often appearing very casual. You know, we’re just having a pretty normal conversation, except maybe he’s kneeling (because it’s hot) or he’s my table (because it’s hot). Or maybe he just gave up the seat I like, and I thank him, or he cooks me delicious food, and I kiss him. The d/s would be just beneath the surface, maybe only appearing really clear-cut when I completely ignore him (just to fuck with him), or when I beat the living tar out of him, or when I leave him tied up in pretty, excruciating positions on the coffee table as my personal human sculpture while I read a book, occasionally glancing up to see him suffer. Or when I garrote him behind the greenhouse and fuck him hard in the ass amid the trays of baby chard and he gasps and whimpers. And then, like, we check on the chickens and do some weeding and milk the goats and climb a tree (where I may fuck him again. Or maybe we’ll just take a nap).

Oh, oh, oh, and this one really turns me on, when he’s sick, he will actually obey me when I tell him to rest and eat good foods rather than try to get up and do everything for me.

For me, sex is the cherry on top, the icing on an already delicious cake, not the cake itself. It never occurred to me that this might be unusual until I went to college.

So, do I want to dominate a man outside of sex? Hell fucking yes. It turns me on in the completely non-gushy-wet-vagina way. I like that way just as much as I like gushy-wet-vagina way.

At this point there’s often a clarion call by the sane to remember that our fantasies are not our realities. Well, of course it’s not fucking real. Everyone is really, truly equal. I’m not actually better than anybody, nor do I actually have any control or power over anybody except myself. Any person I am in a long-term sexually/emotionally intimate relationship with is free to walk away at any time. I can’t stop them with my “dominance.” My needs do not actually come before theirs, we just play at it because for whatever reason it makes us happy to do so.

I often get a “power-disparity games are okay during sex but not outside of it” vibe from this fantasy-not-reality rhetoric, necessary reminder though it is. It’s like saying sex isn’t real life, so it’s okay to play with unreal inequalities there, but by the sacred (woefully inadequate) Universal Declaration of Human Rights, we can’t possibly do it without fucking because that would mean we think it’s real, and that would be wrong. Seriously, what?

If two or more people of sound mind find it more pleasant to live as if there were some power-disparity –even outside of sex– then why fucking not?

15 Comments leave one →
  1. sirjohndoe permalink
    October 23, 2008 12:40 am

    It will not be as easy to find someone who wants to be non-sexually dominated as it would be to find someone who wants you to anally rape them, but good luck to you.

    Any form of power-exchange relationship is going to have it’s detractors. But what matters is how the people in the relationship feel about it.

  2. October 23, 2008 4:56 am

    Why fucking not indeed.

  3. jon permalink
    October 24, 2008 6:22 pm

    The psychological component is so important, for the 23 hours a day NOT spent in play.

    Quite exciting for a slave, that she may descend upon him at any moment.

    Whether she does or doesn’t, that knowledge alone is a pleasurable thrill.

    (also enjoy the fact that to offer a comment, one must “submit…”)

  4. October 26, 2008 1:10 pm

    I am right there with you.

    Speaking of the every-day-little-things: I am teaching May how to kneel when he brings me water, and it makes me melt inside every single time. Guh. Casual submission, so to speak, is gorgeous.

  5. ranat permalink
    October 28, 2008 1:06 am

    @Eileen – Yes, the casualness. Sometimes shit just needs to be casual. Even when someone’s stretched out on a rack. The every day, little things.

    “Would you like some chips?”

    “Sure. Oh shi– NOT ANOTHER NOTCH!”

  6. ranat permalink
    October 28, 2008 11:44 pm

    @Axe – I know, right?!

  7. Mz Sue permalink
    October 29, 2008 2:56 pm


  8. Justin permalink
    February 7, 2016 10:45 pm

    Would like to know more about this please email me.

  9. Kay permalink
    November 3, 2016 1:15 am

    I feel the same way, casual is my middle name and I just don’t enjoy sex but I’m a natural born dominant (I have a lot of issues because people just assume I’m an asshole when I come on to strong…being bi don’t help either)… to be honest I have no freaking clue what I’m doing or what I should be doing.

  10. January 26, 2017 6:13 am

    I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m a dominant woman and I’m trying to figure out what that means for me. I feel much of the same way as you described in this article. And yeah, I tried Fetlife for a few months. Got pretty fed up with the idiots on there!

  11. May 9, 2017 9:00 am

    You cluster “B” personality disorder. Who ripped your soul away and left you void and empty inside that the only way to feel is to enjoy the misery of some co-dependent individual that had the misfortune of a parent similar to how messed up you are.

  12. Justin Hines permalink
    May 9, 2017 9:05 am

    I would love to meet a woman like you, you sound amazing

  13. Harriet Clarke permalink
    June 1, 2020 6:16 pm

    Hi Ranat, I see this was posted a long time ago now. But if you do still happen to see this message I’d love to get in contact with you to discuss a few things.

  14. Gilby Gilboy permalink
    January 17, 2022 10:29 pm

    Ha ! You have never been dominated obviously !
    After reading this I want to dominate you and teach you a few things


  1. Myths « beyond the hills

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