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It Never Rains

June 17, 2009

So I just had potential polyamory dropped in my lap.

What the fuck.

It pours, as they say.

I had attempted to squash my crush on someone once it became apparent they did not identify as kinky. Then someone confessed their crush on me, and I decided to take their example and work up the nerve to confess my crush. Which I did (much shaking of hands and error-laden knitting later).

And it turned out that my attraction was reciprocated.


I decided that perhaps I had been going about this backwards; instead of trying to identify people who exactly complement my sexuality then seeking attraction, maybe I should try starting with mutual attraction and from there explore sexual compatibility. Maybe I’ve been putting out markers I didn’t know about, and maybe they’ve been picked up by unexpected people.

Laying my sexuality out on the table in non-kinky terms to both of these people, it seemed that there were a few overlapping sexual interests. One found the idea of a dominant partner very hot, one was curious about being a receptive sexual partner, and neither was immediately opposed to pain, though neither did they seem to crave it. Both were open to poly, though one admitted that they sometimes struggled with jealousy and competitiveness, and the other had seen polyarmory explode horribly from a distance.

So there I was, with several of the things I’d been wanting very badly suddenly within my grasp, and utterly confused about what to do about it. I wanted to explore the potential of both of these, but I also didn’t want to overwhelm myself by starting my first two sexually-aware relationships at once.

In exploring both of these attractions, I was challenged by several things.

  1. I cannot control the progression of this. It will unfold, and I need to not try to immediately ask all the right questions and do all the right things so I can know right now.
  2. Two explorations will not progress at the same rate. One person I have known longer, one person I was already attracted to, not to mention they have radically different personalities. I need to not try to run this as a scientific experiment or try to keep all the variables the same. ‘I did this with a, so now I have to go try it with b.’ No. It won’t work.
  3. WHY DO I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING? I’ve thought about it so much. Real life is so DIFFERENT from one’s imagination. It’s okay to be confused. I can be confused and not try to find the answer. Really.
  4. Trying to parse the sexualities of people who have never really thought about it that much is hard. *throw person to ground* “How did that feel?” “… Interesting.” “What does that mean?” “I don’t know.” *cause pain* “How did that feel?” “… Not bad.”

So where it stands right now is that after exploring attraction with them, I do not feel attraction or desire towards the person who had a crush on me. They seem to be taking it well. I am still exploring attraction and desire with the person who I had a crush on. It is not overtly kinky, but it has been very, very enjoyable.

One thing I’ve found very strange in this exploration is the fact that I haven’t gone into the headspace I have during scenes. It’s kind of jarring. Part of this is because I don’t know if there is kinky reciprocation. I might do things that could be interpreted as dominant, but dominating (which is a weird verb to use) is not a one way process. I can’t dominate anybody who doesn’t submit to me. It just doesn’t work. Dominating and submitting are both relationships, not just acts.

At the very least, it’s all quite fun, and it means I actually get to do something with another person. Which is awesome. It also hopefully means an end to my sexual pity-party, and the beginning of actual experience.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. devastatingyet permalink
    June 17, 2009 8:25 pm

    I’m excited for you :-)

  2. subversive_sub permalink
    June 18, 2009 6:09 pm

    Totally. Yay for you.

  3. Leah B permalink
    June 19, 2009 2:37 am


  4. Leah B permalink
    June 19, 2009 2:37 am

    (… that was so juvenile, oops.)

  5. Ireen permalink
    June 26, 2009 2:27 pm

    Oh I hope there’ll be plenty of pleasant surprises :)

  6. July 8, 2009 12:02 am

    Real life is so DIFFERENT from one’s imagination.

    Tell me about it!

    Oh, this is supposed to be about you, not me. Yay, you!



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