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The Frothing, Howling Rush

November 3, 2009

I keep wanting to express what I’m going through here, and drawing a blank. Possibly because for the first time in my memory I’m not analyzing my process, I’m just feeling what I’m going through. For the past four weeks, I have been a willing tumbleweed in gale-force winds, and it feels amazing, but the past few days it’s been overwhelming.

Throwing down the maximum security walls for partner started a chain reaction of coming out, and having some very in depth, long conversations with people in my community about my sexuality and gender, and specifically about sadism. Which has felt something like a dam crumbling slightly at the top, then suddenly exploding with the force of the river behind it. And I’ve just been going with it, things and feelings that I never even knew about within myself. The response has been a rather shocking level of support and acceptance, which in retrospect seems obvious. Every single day I’ve said something like, “I don’t know that I’ve ever felt his way before,” because every day I feel completely different and new, and it’s happening so damn fast.

I don’t know how to manifest what I feel, present as what I am, or what to do about any of it, except unravel and reweave my baggage as a human being.

I moved to a new sleeping place, and the past week I’ve woken up three or four times a night. My entirely life, I have always slept. Very. Deeply. I have slept through hurricanes and tornadoes (but not earthquakes). The moon is so bright in this new place, and where I slept before was dark. I’ve been having these intense, vivid dreams, of being initiated into a third gender through ceremony, of sharing a lover with my partner’s partner who was not my partner. Even when I don’t remember the dreams in the morning I immediately have this full, potent, overwhelming feeling that I associate with my process.

Last night I never stopped waking up, hovering somewhere between awakening and dreaming, rolling, tossing, moaning, rearranging the blanket, waking up exhausted.  With a headache. (What is that?) And always present is this feeling, right now revolving around my gender, a confluence of– something. I’ve started feeling like a woman again, or maybe more accurately more feminine. But more steadily in this ebbing cycle of exploration I feel like both-neither.

The other night, a woman I wrote about before as not being able to understand said to me over dinner, “You know, today I was watching two of my co-workers, and I watched one of them snap a towel at the other so hard it probably broke the skin. And he was just gleeful, totally enjoying it, and the other guy was like, ‘Oeghhhh!‘” She made a scrunched up face. “They were both laughing so hard, and I suddenly had a flash of what it was like to enjoy that, to enjoy pain, and giving it. And you know, they’ve been doing this for a while, you can always hear them, the snap of the towel –it’s loud– then laughter. They’ve been walking around in shorts with welts on their legs all summer. It was really neat to have that insight.”

Just over dinner, with everyone. It was amazing. To have that topic brought up, by someone else, over dinner.

Something came to me the other day. Partner’s partner, after overlooking this blog, said to me, “I really see no indication that you’re attracted to women.” Ever since acknowledging my attraction to other genders and sexes, I’ve felt vaguely guilty when I continue to be more consistently attracted to male people with man genders. Like I have this idea that my attraction has to be equal for all genders or I’m not doing it right. And I realized that in my fantasies, I’m not fantasizing about women per se, but people who are female. I feel more attraction toward other gendered people with female bodies than I feel for women at present. Whatever the hell ‘woman’ actually is. For some reason that factor doesn’t stop me from being consistently attracted to male people with man genders, maybe because I was socialized to. Whatever. When I think of being sexual with the women around me I draw a blank. When I think of their body types, I think hot.

The other night I tallied up very approximate rankings for how often I fantasize about which kind of people and it came out roughly like this:

  1. Male people, or male men
  2. People with male bodies and female genitals
  3. Male people with non-man genders, especially those presenting as culturally feminine, and female people presenting as culturally masculine (I had a couple of years in my late teens where I consistently fantasized about being with transwomen and transmen)
  4. Female people who felt distinctly not like women, and people with bodies somewhere on the spectrum between female and male

I am noticing that ‘woman’ is not appearing in my list. So who knows where that will end up.

While I am thinking about it, I want to pimp the book The Spirit and the Flesh: Sexual Diversity in American Indian Culture by Walter L. Williams, which documents one of the alternative genders in many indigenous peoples of North America: Male people who dressed and behaved androgynously, mixing men and women’s clothing and work, usually having sex with masculine men, and for many peoples performing esteemed spiritual functions. One of the things I appreciated most was the author’s distinction between a male person being feminine, and being non-masculine, and being androgynous. In later chapters Williams drew parallels to modern urban gay subculture and other male same-sexual institutions in non-tribal societies, but on the whole I thought he did a good job of differentiating cultural identity from sexual acts. Williams wrote this before the popularization of the term Two Spirit among modern North American peoples, so he uses the term ‘berdache’, which was accepted in the anthropological community for many years, and seems to have largely been abandoned since it essentially means ‘catamite.’ He also has an annoying tendency to refer to the person who is around the cock as being the ‘passive’ sexual partner, and the person inside the anus or the mouth as the ‘active’ sexual partner, but I just had to keep reminding myself that he was using the standard terminology of his field.

Back to where I am in my process. Partner has been away for a month now, on a trip of indefinite proportions. It is sad, glad, and exciting. I’m finding myself exploring my sexuality with myself again, and my masochism has wriggled into the forefront for attention. I realized that based on my experiences bottoming I enjoy it, I would do it again, and I really see no conflict with my dominance. I’ve been untangling my fantasies, feeling for the relationship that fulfills me underlying each act and dynamic.

I’ve been wanting to start learning rope again. I was going to buy some hemp, but Zac planted the nefarious idea in my brain at the first KinkForAll that I could make my own, so I got a simple rope machine (waaaaay to lazy and unskilled at the moment to build my own). I’m feeling a lot more open to finding nearby BDSM groups than I was, so I’m going to try to find an active munch and see where it goes. Also a genderqueer group if one is near the munch and I can hit them in one fell swoop.

Because I am fell, goddamnit. Very fell.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 4, 2009 5:04 pm

    Damn!

  2. ranat permalink*
    November 4, 2009 7:06 pm

    Indeed

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