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6 Year Retrospective – Part 1

July 29, 2014

It’s been six years since I started this blog, opened myself to my sexuality, and started exploring the kink/BDSM community. I’ve evolved, my perceptions have changed, or deepened, or become more nuanced, more revealed, all in cycles. Some of the changes seem so radical I wanted to do a post comparing then and now, but it got long really quickly, so I’m breaking it up into a few posts. I’m going to start with some of the lighter, simpler changes, and then get into the heavier, more complex topics.

Then I Had Never Had an Orgasm, and Now…

Technically I had three or four in sex dreams before having had my first intentional orgasm. But I’m not counting them because I didn’t know what they were.

It took me a year of trying to have an orgasm and would definitely still classify it as one of the biggest let downs of my life. The great golden carrot of the life-long monogamous, hetersexual marriage I was raised to look forward to turned out to be bullshit. It took a couple years, but I did start enjoying orgasms, as opposed to just needing them

Then I Was A Virgin, and Now– Well, Define Sex.

The first time I had had any kind of sex was receiving oral sex from my mentor, and that was definitely giving away a virginity for me. I’ve only had a couple partners, but I’ve been sexual in various ways with other people. I’ve had some fabulous sex that most people wouldn’t even remotely classify as sex, had a ton of vaginal intercourse that wasn’t really sex to me, and done some things with partners and non-partners that might leave some people wondering, “Was it sex, or wasn’t it?” I have also had more so-called “vanilla” sex than I ever want to have again.

Then I Thought I Was Straight, Now I Realize I’m Queer/Pansexual

This was mostly a relic of growing up Christian and thinking the gay was not something Mr. I-Want-All-The-Worshippers-To-Myself intended, because hey, Leviticus. That and a homophobic parent. I got over that when I dropped the Christianity (or maybe a little before, I can’t remember), but because my desire is fairly biased toward maleness/masculinity, I think I just assumed I was straight. But there were other indicators that I missed along the way. Like adolescent daydreams about marrying trans-people. Also a guilty teenage fascination with yaoi.  Also early fantasies about the naked lady-slaves.

My attraction to various genders fluctuates, and isn’t distributed equally. I’m still pretty heavily into various combinations of maleness and/or masculinity (but the submisive variety). But I’m also attracted to all manner of other genders, providing sexual and personality compatibility. The category I’m probably least attracted to is women. Though I did spend almost an entire year feeling almost entirely androgynous and almost entirely asexual and then I was absolutely and utterly into women. Go figure.

Then I Had Fantasies, Now I Have Experience

Early on, I was understandably very fixated on articulating and otherwise enthusiastically expressing my fantasies. It was a way to get them out of me, to have the release and relief of sharing them, mostly uncensored, with actual, live people. Without the fear of doing so face to face, to people I knew. It was so freeing, and so validating to not only read other people’s similar desires, but have them comment on my posts saying, “Hey, me too!”

Now I don’t have a huge level of experience (which is to say, not as much as I’d like), but I’d say my experience level is moderate (when compared to what I want it to be). Reality does not always provide the high or the specificity that fantasy does, but it is real. The people are real, the skin is real beneath my hands, the flesh between my teeth, someone’s orgasm within my body, the shuddering expressions and purring of approval and hisses of displeasure. The scratches and welts and rope marks, and always, always, bound hands straining to touch me as I fuck my partner.

Playing with people feeds me in a very real way. When I started in The Scene again last year and started playing again after a long hiatus, I told some of my confidants, “It’s incredibly nourishing. Like air. Or food.”

I knew this already, but expressing it out loud really highlighted how long I’d gone without. There were sound reasons for that. I had a lot of other personal growth type things to do. But it was a long, long fast. Even when my partner did some things to please me, it was totally and absolutely not the same.

I still have the fantasies I had when I started. But they no longer dominate the landscape of my desire in the same way they did. Some have become refined to realistic proportions as I learn more about what I want. Some I still want to experience but only in roleplay. Some no longer do it for me in the same way, due to reasons I’ll get into later.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 23, 2014 8:52 pm

    When I started in The Scene again last year and started playing again after a long hiatus, I told some of my confidants, “It’s incredibly nourishing. Like air. Or food.”

    I feel like that too, but I’ve never heard anyone else describe it that way! For me the sense of satisfaction I feel after a good scene is kind of like having a really good meal – it’s not just the absence of hunger, but also that feeling of ‘yes, that’s exactly what I needed.’

  2. ranat permalink*
    September 5, 2014 10:50 am

    Even though I’ve known it for a long time, I’ve been articulating this to friends and it feels very novel, to them and me. D/s, s/m, and bondage are not “extras” to “spice things up” for me. They’re expressions of my core orientation. I do some longer fasts, and the parallel is really striking. When I fast for three to ten days, I stop being hungry, and it’s okay. But eventually I need to start eating again, and I have this visceral (literally, heh) memory of, “Oh yeah, food.”

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