I haven’t known what to do with this blog for a long time.
I got really caught up in my relationship with my partner and its attendant growth spurts, joys, and crisis, and well, living. Which was exactly what I needed. I matured, and grew, and then life blew up.
I’m still growing, and I still have things to say, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to say them here. Part of me just wanted to take this down, strike it from the Internet Archive like Sara Eileen did.
I’ve thought about starting over with a new blog. Something fresh, neat, orderly, censored of my flaws and confusions. Another part argued about the integrity of continuity, of accepting the record of my personal evolution, even though the early posts of this blog no longer reflect my present.
Then I started reading through my old posts to see what was salvageable, because I knew at least some of what I had written and the discussion it had spurred was valuable. When I thought of this blog I remembered 80% angst, and while there is a certain trend toward angsting, what I found was very different from what I remembered.
I began this blog from before my very first intentional orgasm all the way through my sexual initiation and into my first serious relationship.
I am appalled and devastated, to the point of tears, at the vulnerability I displayed here. At the brutal, innocent, almost uncensored honesty (almost, but not quite) around my process, my fears, beliefs, self-judgments, fantasies, ideas. I needed that. I needed to spew it all out to get it out of me instead of staying locked inside. To get feedback, perspective, ideas, encouragement, because the kink-sex blogosphere of the time was the only community I had in which to begin a rocky metamorphosis.
A lot of my beliefs about the nature and source of my sexuality have changed since I began writing, to the degree where they seem irreconcilable (they aren’t). My attitude around the issues and lacks of the kink/BDSM community has changed. I think I’m going to continue writing here, because the visibility of that process might help someone else. There were a couple of blogs that were crucial in my own internal saga of self-acceptance that are no longer around, so I want this to be around for someone else.