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Begin Again

July 21, 2014

I haven’t known what to do with this blog for a long time.

I got really caught up in my relationship with my partner and its attendant growth spurts, joys, and crisis, and well, living. Which was exactly what I needed. I matured, and grew, and then life blew up.

I’m still growing, and I still have things to say, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to say them here. Part of me just wanted to take this down, strike it from the Internet Archive like Sara Eileen did.

I’ve thought about starting over with a new blog. Something fresh, neat, orderly, censored of my flaws and confusions. Another part argued about the integrity of continuity, of accepting the record of my personal evolution, even though the early posts of this blog no longer reflect my present.

Then I started reading through my old posts to see what was salvageable, because I knew at least some of what I had written and the discussion it had spurred was valuable. When I thought of this blog I remembered 80% angst, and while there is a certain trend toward angsting, what I found was very different from what I remembered.

I began this blog from before my very first intentional orgasm all the way through my sexual initiation and into my first serious relationship.

I am appalled and devastated, to the point of tears, at the vulnerability I displayed here. At the brutal, innocent, almost uncensored honesty (almost, but not quite) around my process, my fears, beliefs, self-judgments, fantasies, ideas. I needed that. I needed to spew it all out to get it out of me instead of staying locked inside. To get feedback, perspective, ideas, encouragement, because the kink-sex blogosphere of the time was the only community I had in which to begin a rocky metamorphosis.

A lot of my beliefs about the nature and source of my sexuality have changed since I began writing, to the degree where they seem irreconcilable (they aren’t). My attitude around the issues and lacks of the kink/BDSM community has changed. I think I’m going to continue writing here, because the visibility of that process might help someone else. There were a couple of blogs that were crucial in my own internal saga of self-acceptance that are no longer around, so I want this to be around for someone else.


5 Comments leave one →
  1. July 24, 2014 5:53 am

    I hope you do keep writing here, and that you don’t take it away. I’ve had your previous entry bookmarked for the longest time. It would have made a huge difference to me if I’d seen it when I found out about BDSM.

  2. ranat permalink*
    July 26, 2014 11:45 pm

    I’m glad you find it valuable and I appreciate the feedback. I’ve got a lot to talk about, just getting back into the swing of things.

  3. July 28, 2014 2:41 am

    Yay! I’m really excited that you’re planning to write here again. Even when you made my heart ache for you, you always had such interesting things to say.

  4. ranat permalink*
    July 28, 2014 9:42 pm

    I guess the problem is that there ARE so many things to say. And how to say them, when to say them, and who to say them to for the greatest paradigm shift. Thank you for your encouragement. :) I’m starting to get excited, too (in a small way, but still in a way that counts).

  5. August 10, 2014 1:25 pm

    I am so glad you have decided not to delete your old entreism, and to work your way back into writing again.

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