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On Kissing

September 28, 2010

French kissing. Making out.

Not body kissing. Not throat kissing and teasing the fine hairs on someone’s skin with lips. Not just pressing lips together.

It’s so common it just gets called “kissing,” as if everyone will know what you mean when you say it. It took me two decades to do it, and then I did, and I find myself the odd man out.

I’m not so into it.

Seriously.

Boyfriend. Devastated.

People kept telling me that it was an acquired taste, and that I would like it eventually. Everyone likes it. Everyone.

During one conversation my boyfriend was laying out all this evidence for the human desire for tongue-in-mouth kissing, and I finally said, “Basically it’s like I’ve told you I’m lesbian, and you’re trying to convince me I’d realize I’m straight if I’d just try it long enough to get used to it.”

The one I really like to whip out when people are telling me why I should like kissing is the theory that kissing evolved from an affection shared between mothers and babies from the practice of premasticating food. Then watch their cultural indigestion from paranoia of associating children with anything they consider sexual. Vengeful I can be.

Now I kind of think of french kissing the way many people think of kinky sex. “Okay, now that we really know each other and really trust each other, let’s do something completely crazy like tie each other up with scarves and blindfold each other.”

Only it’s: “Okay, now that we really know each other and really trust each other, let’s do something really fucking insane like stick our tongues in each others’ mouths.”

A faster way to spread communicable diseases, I know not.

Seriously. What a weird fucking practice. With all their gnarly diseases crossing species barriers left and right, I’m surprised agriculturalist and pastoralist population centers of civilization survived it.

I did learn to enjoy that kind of kissing with partner, and I was almost always in a state where I was incredibly present with my dominance, usually in the throes of sex. It was an expression for my aggression and sadism and dominance. Biting soft parts, claiming someone –possessing someone– in such a physically intimate way. There’s just something about claiming someone’s mouth that’s incredibly powerful for me, because in a way it’s a more intimate orifice than my cunt. To be physically locked face to face with someone, cutting off one of your options to breathe. It almost seems suicidal.

Okay, so I guess there are other ways to do it. It all feels pretty weird though.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. sdatheart23 permalink
    September 28, 2010 3:01 am

    this was definitely something interesting to read..

  2. September 28, 2010 9:29 am

    Well as you already know and just to say the obvious, if you don’t feel like doing [whatever], there’s no reason to do it. If all sorts of others’ preferences counted, instead of yours, these others might as well stand in for you as stuntpeople and do your sex instead of you.

    was laying out all this evidence for the human desire for tongue-in-mouth kissing
    Ha. Groan!!!
    Has anyone has ever awakened anyone’s interest in doing a particular thing by ‘laying out evidence’ for a generic ‘human desire’ for it? The lesbian analogy you mentioned comes to mind, as well as plenty of other things which humans in general ‘should’ like sexually. This sort of speech usually boils down to ‘I like it -> You should like it’. That’s just the old vulgar exercising pressure, under a guise of ‘It’s science!’.

    I agree that doing this is a great chance for diseases to pass from one person to another. An intimate act. Definitely not something I’d do with random people. In my language we call this kind of kiss Zungenkuss, tongue kiss. I bet you find this name for it not so attractive either, right? The supposed theoretical association with sharing food makes me shudder. And I’m not particular actually, I also enjoy spitting on my partner. Regardless how it may have originated, personally I like it. I’ve enjoyed doing Zungenküsse a good while before I consciously realised I’m sadomasochistic. The dominant and sadistic way of doing it which you describe is something I find wonderful as well.

    For me, it’s oral sex. Oral-oral sex. I like doing it because my mouth is an erogenous zone, and it gives me pleasure. His mouth is an erogenous zone too. A long kiss is an occasion where giving sexual stimulation and feeling it happen at the same time in the same area of the body.

    And if it is not a main interest, well, it’s just one possibility of so many. Our bodies have plenty of erogenous zones everywhere.

  3. September 28, 2010 2:27 pm

    Yeah, I hates it. Always have. Probably doesn’t help that my first experience with it was a) disgusting, b) partially coerced and c) years before I was ready to do it. But still, hate it.

    I’m told that in Japan they didn’t have kissing for a long time. That it was something outrageous and kinky that only courtesans did. Sensible people.

    When you’re little, the ultimate no-fail way to get your sister to stop trying to strangle you is to lick her cheek, at which point she will recoil in disgust, frantically wiping her face. We all know that’s disgusting. Why should it suddenly stop being disgusting because you’re doing it with someone you like? Hm, that argument’s going nowhere, there are plenty of things that would be disgusting with the wrong person but great with the right one.

    But still. Hate it.

    Course, I’m also squeamish about mouths in general – food etc – other people eating – yuck. If I had my way, I’d make eating in public illegal. We’d all eat in private, on our own, and *then* go out to socialise. Like Heian era Japan. Wait, there’s a theme emerging here. Maybe I should move countries.

    There was a recent David Mitchell’s soapbox about how weird it was that we were happy to eat in public when we consider all our other bodily functions deeply private. I like him.

  4. ranat permalink*
    September 29, 2010 1:57 am

    @sdatheart23 – Interesting is good. :)

    @Ranai – “The supposed theoretical association with sharing food makes me shudder. And I’m not particular actually, I also enjoy spitting on my partner.”

    Funnily enough, I don’t like tongue kissing so much, but I’m totally fine with premasticating food for infants. I also find it a very intimate expression of vulnerability and trust in the context of someone who’s weak because they’re sick or wounded. There’s a scene of that in Hayao Miyazaki’s Princess Mononoke that’s really powerful for me.

    “I agree that doing this is a great chance for diseases to pass from one person to another.”

    I guess another theory about the origin of kissing is as a way to spread immunity. Share those germs!

    “His mouth is an erogenous zone too. ”

    I totally forgot to write about this. The fact that it was erotic for partner really turned me on. It was a tool in the dominant/sadistic toolbox for getting partner hot and excited. That rocked.

    @Nameless – “I’m told that in Japan they didn’t have kissing for a long time. That it was something outrageous and kinky that only courtesans did.”

    A lot of stuff changed in Japan with the crazy-rapid move from feudalism to modernization, then the American occupation. Public baths weren’t gender segregated before the occupation, and sex toy shops and a matter of fact attitude about sex and other bodily functions were common. I don’t know about kissing, though. I feel like I’ve seen shunga paintings of kissing, but I don’t know what time period they were from or if courtesans were involved. For further research…

  5. October 24, 2010 7:09 pm

    My ability to deal with tongue-in-mouth kissing goes up and down. At low ebb, though, I know exactly what you’re talking about. ICK.

    It’s interesting that you say the only times you really enjoy kissing is when you’re fully present in your dominance, because the opposite is true with me, too. Only when I’m fully feeling my submission can I willingly and enjoyably give up my mouth that way.

  6. Rogue Bambi permalink
    November 24, 2010 8:43 pm

    Ranai: For me, it’s oral sex. Oral-oral sex. I like doing it because my mouth is an erogenous zone, and it gives me pleasure.

    For me, too. But when I’m sick, like now, I can kind of understand how it just feels to evasive and dull. But most of the time it’s one of the best kind of sexes I can practise. And I even don’t mind about the food passing, or the germ passing, for that matter. I only do it with one person, a person I would most certainly keep alive byt passing food from mouth to mouth. It’s like in Princess Mononoke. Not bad at all.

  7. December 24, 2010 7:04 am

    kinky straight guy here. love the article. never liked kissing. my partners always have liked it though. so i’ve always kissed.

    i don’t hate kissing. i just find that kissing doesn’t really add anything to simple cuddling.

  8. ranat permalink*
    December 27, 2010 2:49 pm

    @confidentialcupcake – That is interesting that for you kissing works when you’re in the height of your submission. It’s cool to see how diverse we are, and not just theoretically.

    @Rogue Bambi – Yeah, the premasticating food bit makes total sense to me. I love that scene in Mononoke.

    @zb – I find myself doing at least some degree of kissing when my partners like it, but it’s a delicate balance of doing something because I enjoy that they enjoy it and tolerating something, and I’m still feeling it out.

  9. February 4, 2011 5:02 pm

    “I feel that Americans are very inhibited when dealing with sexuality. Barriers are put up between “classes” of people.I lately came across your blog about orgasim and have been reading along. I feel that so many women might be missing out on great sex. You have to drive a hummer, talk on an IPhone, have a masters degree, and a gagillion dollars in the bank. Some of the most passionate lovers are those with very little material items.”

  10. July 24, 2014 5:56 am

    This is absolutely the same way I feel. But from the other side of the power asymmetry. :)

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