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The Funny Things People Say in Porn

September 20, 2010

So I’ve been reading a lot of polyandrous triad porn lately. Or trying to. Skimming is generally a better word, to the sex parts, if they’re good, then skimming to the next.

I found one example that was rather terribly written and had a very poorly developed supernatural world, but had one fascinating, brilliant concept: A bold, assertive submissive man who asked for what he wanted and stood up for himself. There was one scene where the dominant woman of the triad made him come, then refused to let him give her an orgasm. Not because it was hot d/s, but because she was terrified of being vulnerable. She blew him off, and he basically said, “You know where I am. If you’re really as brave as you think you are, come get me.” And left.

And I was like, “Wow.”

Despite this moment of win, the clear dominance/submission dynamic, the triad, and some bondage and beating, the sex scenes really did not flow and it was not even remotely erotic for me.

Reading porn in such concentration has highlighted the many things people say that are supposed to be erotic that strike me as… completely off the wall. It’s just… weird. Like one person wrote it thinking it was a good idea, having never actually experienced what they were writing about, and the next person, also having never experienced what they were writing about took the first person at their word and thought that was reality, and on and on it goes. It’s like there’s a list of stock phrases for written porn that everyone feels obligated to use for some reason.

“There was not a spare ounce of fat on [pronoun’s] body.”

I read this, and I blink. And I wonder, “So… are they fucking a concentration camp victim? Did I miss something of the backstory while skimming?” I don’t think people know what it means to not have body fat. And it keeps getting worse with the insane anti-fat diet mentality the North American super-power has been getting into the last few decades.

Reality: Humans carry fat. We need fat to live. Fat is good. It is delicious. It’s what our brains run on.

I’m not talking Big, Beautiful Women or fat as an identity, I’m talking biological necessity. Every trim, athletic, fit person you see has fat. What’s more, they have spare body fat, because we’re designed to carry spare calories just in case. I have seen a male body at 4% body fat and it is not pretty. For a female body the equivalent is 10%.

So if someone doesn’t have a spare ounce of fat, they probably don’t have the energy to be fucking, because they have entered the death stages of starvation. And that’s not so hot to me. Besides, aesthetically, I like fat. I like bellies and asses and boobs and not emaciated skeletons. I am a thin, light-framed, reasonably fit person and I carry fat. I went on a ten day cleanse where I was only getting about 600 calories a day, and I still had full breasts, a belly, and a jiggle in the ass.

Which leads me to:

The “firm ass”

This is… confusing to me. And maybe it’s all just a matter of interpretation of what “firm” means. When I think “firm” in terms of flesh, I think of something like the feeling of squeezing a ripe mango. Like the muscle of deltoids, or a tensed bicep. And most asses are not… firm. Except when tensed. And it would be very uncomfortable to walk around like that all day (some people do, because they carry their stress in their hips and butt, and it causes them all sorts of leg and back problems). And kind of the allure of the ass (to me), is that it is, indeed, soft. Squeezable. Malleable. Ever-so-elastic when smacked. It even, deities-forbid, jiggles.

On a similar subject–

The male ass as “two globes.” Especially firm, high ones.

This throws me off every time I read it, forcing me to picture the perfectly hemispherical nature of the character’s ass cheeks, and to wonder how it’s anatomically possible.

I do, in fact, know two people (male) who have this kind of ass, or what I imagine this kind of ass would look like in real life. And honestly it looks a little weird at first. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s their body type and appreciate it for what it is.

The firm, pert, high, proud breasts.

This I blame on a culture that thinks breast-binding for everyone who has them is normal.

Breasts are not naturally… high. They are affected by gravity. Namely, they go down. They flatten out when we lay down, and slide into our arm pits. This is not the bad, hideous, horrible, shameful, to-be-avoided-at-all-costs-including-cutting-parts-of-your-body-off thing that we have been taught. It is natural.

The process is retarded for some by the donning of bras. I used to think bra-encased boobs looked perfectly normal, including my own. When I finally shucked the thing, and especially when I started living with other women who hardly ever wore bras, my perspective changed radically. Now when I see boobs in bras, I stare.

Not because it’s hot. But because it looks so weird to see an abrupt shelf sticking out from just under someone’s clavicles (in the case of sports bras), or the effect regular bras have even on small boobs, which has a similar aesthetic to when I was a child and I put balls from the McDonald’s play pen up my shirt to simulate adult secondary sex characteristics.

It’s also very bizarre to me to not be able to see someone’s nipples through their shirt.

And you know, my boobs do ride lower than they would if I wore a bra. They will sag when I begin breast-feeding, and as I grow older. This is a beautiful thing.

The breasts that are a perfect handful.

So nothing actually bothers be about this one, and I like the image, but I’m surprised by how often this gets repeated in porn/romance novels. The “small but perfect” shtick seems an encouraging alternative to the “only double D’s are beautiful” stereotype, but I wonder at our lack of creativity in describing our bodies.

Her “juices.”

My cunt. Is not. A turkey.

Every time I read about vaginal lubrication as “juices” I get so grossed out. I guess for a lot of people it’s very erotic, so your mileage may vary. When I think of juices, I think of meat (dead, butchered) roasting slowly in an oven or over a fire. I don’t think of my vagina. “Wet” and “slick” are very hot for me, but for some reason I cannot handle the juices.

Pussy.

Again, your mileage may vary. This word seems to do it for a lot of people. But pussy is never hot in reference to my vagina, and usually not in reference to someone else’s. I really just prefer cunt. Short, strong, simple, kind of like an onomatopoeia for the shape. Pussy just sounds kind of silly, kind of humiliating to me, which is why it seems to creep into my humiliation fantasies about a submissive person describing me fucking their pussy.

Adjusting to the length and girth of a cock.

Okay, so this can happen to a degree, both in vaginas and rectums. But it is a finite process. The vagina is only so long, so stretchy, and then it ends. It is not an endlessly stretchy continuum. This is even more true for the rectum, which, arguably, was never designed for cock.

Sad as it is, you can’t always go in to the hilt. Personally, I have a short vagina, so I haven’t been able to have jar-your-bones-thrusting-sex without feeling like I’ve been punched in the cervix with the head of a hammer. It’s kind of frustrating that seven inches is considered “average” in the sex-toy world. But in written porn whoever’s being penetrated always seems to be stretching and adjusting and able to take every inch at thirty-mile-an-hour speeds. Me, I see a huge cock and I either get grossed out or intimidated.

The idea of someone being able to endlessly take my cock has played a part in my fantasies, especially early on when I actually started masturbating, because of the idea of how much their body is giving and changing shape to accommodate me, how much they are being invaded in a very vulnerable place, how out of control they are. It’s hot for as long as it takes to realize that it’s not a realistic expectation for the human body.

The satiny, silky texture of erect cock.

Even though “satiny” and “silky” strike me as over-the-top, in this case I find them absolutely accurate. I am utterly fascinated by the texture of an erection. There is simply nothing else like it. And it is indeed silky, and satiny. Whodathunkit.

Constantly saying each other’s names.

I guess the idea of saying someone’s name in the throes of sex is hot on some level for me. Haven’t actually experienced it. In a couple of the porn stories I’ve been reading, the characters do it constantly. Repetitively. Leaving me thinking, “Less talking more fucking!”

8 Comments leave one →
  1. September 21, 2010 1:13 am

    I’m guessing the high globular male ass people were thinking of something like this, but I get your point anyway.

    And seriously, “My cunt. Is not. A turkey,” made me LOL.

  2. September 21, 2010 4:21 am

    *grin*

    I didn’t have the same response to “juices” because I don’t live in a culture that features turkeys but I’ll certainly have a response whenever I see the word now …

  3. ranat permalink*
    September 22, 2010 6:15 pm

    @Thumper – Something like that. With the two guys I know the hemispherical design of the lower half of the cheeks is even more pronounced. It’s like, whoa.

    @Mistress160 – My response is sometimes an almost physical recoil, if I’m really into a sex scene and not expecting it. But it’s there in our sexual syntax. Alas.

  4. September 24, 2010 5:15 am

    For me the connotations of cunt, that come from its use as a swearword, are too much. Otherwise it would be perfect. If you read my blog you’ve probably noticed I use pussy most of the time. I think. I’d prefer a third alternative. I especially like Thumper’s use of “snatch”, but I don’t dare to steal that.

    I’ve never thought about “the juices”, but it has irritated me some. I doubt it will work for me ever again, now…

    I too am obsessively into (male) erections. It’s so alien and so beautiful and oddly forceful at the same time. I can’t keep my hands, mouth and eyes of off it. Oddly enough I agree about the silky satiny feel, though I have been trying to find different words or different ways to describe it. It’s really hard! I think describing sex is the hardest thing for a writer. When does it go from porn to Harlequin romantics (agh!) and when is it high profile literature. Sometimes I think it’s only a matter of the chosen words or the level of the description. That’s in my professional life, though. I try not to think about it when I write about us in my blog. I wouldn’t write anything if I did.

    And Thumper, how come you always have a picture ready? :)

  5. ranat permalink*
    September 25, 2010 1:04 am

    Funnily enough, I never encountered the word ‘cunt’ until I was fifteen and reading the Canterbury Tales (definitely a degree of shelteredness there). The fat wife was describing about how all women have one, and about fucking her five husbands or something. As a result, I don’t have the negative connotations many women have of ‘cunt.’ Also, etymologically it literally just means ‘vagina,’ so as an insult it’s pretty silly.

    “You vagina!”

    Similar to: “You penis!” and “You performer of fellatio!”

    Yeah, writing about actual sex description can be tricky. ‘Snatch’ is something I hear my friend use a lot. It kind of makes me think that the vagina is stealing something, like a shoplifter.

  6. September 25, 2010 6:45 am

    True about the snatch. But every word has (or has had) a more concrete meaning. That’s how language evolves. And all the swearwords are usually either sexual (fuck, cunt, maybe even bitch if you take into account the view we have of animals and their open sexuality) or religious (damn – damn you, devil, etc). Your examples are so great. And what about homo, eh? It seems to be the worst.

    Pussy is also used as an insult, but the insult is much more sloppy than with cunt. “You pussy”, I’d gather, means usually that you’re too scared to do something or the other. Where as with “cunt” it’s just not a nice thing to say at all. Cock isn’t usually used in by itself, so I like to use it in porn text, but dick is, so it feels funny.

    I’ve never read the Canterbury Tales, but maybe I ought to, if it’s what you describe. :)

  7. ranat permalink*
    September 27, 2010 10:42 am

    Yeah, dick generally sounds pretty funny to me in an erotic context. I’ve heard way too many teenagers use it.

  8. FrostQueen permalink
    October 5, 2010 12:28 am

    Thank you, I writing a novel right now and I am have ‘word-choice’ problems for the love scenes. You’re comment wee very helpful.

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