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I Am Just Woozy Enough From Sneezing My Face of to Step Off the Cliff

October 1, 2009


Much has happened of late. I have changed, the world has changed, and everything is changing.

Transitioning into a new part of my life I’ve dropped off contact with some of my friends just because I needed the space, and I’ve been picking up the loose ends as I find myself feeling more settled. My oldest friend is going to war for no reason other than they have no sense of self-worth. I haven’t talked to my mentor in months, and I miss him.

I have met my partner’s former and possible future partner (this is oversimplifying the matter). I also live with my partner’s partner, and work with them every day and am building my own relationship with them. I have begun speaking a language other than English again, and I have gotten sick for the fourth time in six months when I’ve never before gotten sick more than once a year.

I have explored parts of my sexuality in gorgeous, deep ways, and others have been set aside.

My sadism is hungry.

In seeking to relate to my dominance in and of itself, with no submissive mirrors, I actually forgot for a while what it felt like to be dominant in relation to a submissive person. Recently, I found myself stalled by the fact that I didn’t know how to autonomously meet my needs around pain and submission and bondage, and there is no one around me to relate to on those levels of intimacy. I stuck myself in a feed-back loop of terror around sharing the details of this to anyone, including my partner, my partner’s partner, and people who I think would understand even less. These needs, these desires, building, with no way to release them, making me feel like I was coming apart at my edges, like I would burst apart. My hands were almost shaking.

Sharing this, in generalities, with my partner (who found me reading Maymay’s blog and remembered the title as ‘Maybe Harmed– But Not Permanently’), my partner’s partner, and someone who probably wouldn’t have understood at all, but was willing to listen to what little I could bring myself to say aloud. Partner’s partner wants to read stories of peoples lives with dominance and submission, sadism, masochism, and I want to give them Dev’s address, but I am afraid of it leading back to here.

Weeks before that, being triggered and suddenly catapulted into the old, very old, bitter shame and self-loathing and self-punishment I inflicted on myself for having rape fantasies and torture fantasies when so many of the people I loved had been raped and abused. My most secret shame, that I had never told anyone in context, that I thought I never would tell, or at least not for years. Waiting laying beside me, touching me as I shuddered it out in tears and snot, my partner listened as I shared my childhood convictions that I was a sick, evil monstrosity, the most devastating of traitors because I betrayed my friends with my desires. And just being held, and treated very matter of factly, and my partner telling me in amusement that it might be sexist, but I was simply too small and non-threatening to be skeevy. Rarely has that factor worked in my favor so well.

Back to the nearly shaking hands, no knowing how to get the pain I craved, my partner revealing that they suspected I found our sex boring, that if I had all these others desires how could I be satisfied without them. Afraid, emotionally garbled, trying to explain that just because I had needs/desires that weren’t being met didn’t mean I found the ones that were met unsatisfying.

“Not all my eggs are in one basket. Just because one basket hasn’t been satisfied doesn’t mean the other isn’t.

“But why would you want your eggs in different baskets, when you could have more eggs in one basket and make an omelet?”

Then to today, partner’s curiosity about my ‘secret blog,’ my desire to share all of myself, my fear of them seeing everything here, uncensored, sometimes idiotic, bitter, uncomplimentary, esoteric, ungrounded. Partner, goading me to share all of myself, not just in halves or parts, but in that way that challenges me to do what I want to do anyway, rather than shrinking away in fear of rejection.

“Maybe if I just tell you now, showing you the blog won’t seem like such a big deal.”

Minutes go by.

“And… scene,” they say.

Working myself up to it.

Telling them things I had already told them before, but in depth, in detail. My desires for sexual control, my love of pain, that what I enjoy as a masochist is different than what I enjoy as a sadist, my fetish for slavery, my love of whips, that I have hurt a man until he wept and it was beautiful, that I have handcuffed and hurt a man until he was so far in an altered state he could not speak, and it was intimate and full of trust. That I have been tied up and flogged and manhandled, and it was one of the most profound experience of my life to have faith in another person that I would not be harmed. Explaining the alternative uses for binder paper clips, that singletails do not necessarily leave scars. And I think, good god, that I am actually going to show them this, what am I thinking.

After we talked they went to spend time with friends, and I do not know all that they are thinking, or feeling, I do not know if I have triggered them, and I think, with some convincing, that it is okay. I know that this is the way I want to live. I want to give all of myself, and doing it is so terrifying.

But it’s going to happen like it’s going to happen, and I would rather do this than not.

Writing this, with no regard to grammar, syntax, conjunctions, or the ethical use of commas, or even fucking tense.

Hey, you.

Here it is.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. devastatingyet permalink
    October 1, 2009 4:54 am

    It’s delightful that you thought of me. (Yes, I read your whole entry and the tiny part about me is what I comment on. What a self-centered jerk I am!)

    No, but seriously, it sounds like you’re starting to come out more to your friends, and that is a good thing.

  2. October 1, 2009 5:47 am

    Good Luck :)

  3. October 1, 2009 8:48 am

    I’m amused by the memory of your partner. Also, all of your remarks about sexism make me really, really, really want to encourage you to listen to Episode 8 of This Week In Kink, which has jokingly been described to me as “The Maymay Agenda Hour”. I bring it up because I think the recorded conversation, which included many parts about distinguishing sexism from stuff that would be sexist if it were not mutually hot, might be interesting, or at least relevant, and possibly even helpful, to you. Please do let me know what you think if you decide to listen to the conversation.

  4. ranat permalink*
    October 1, 2009 5:28 pm

    @Dev – I believe I’m going to give them the address today.

    Honestly I already feel better, not so… boxed in, by having taken the leap. I still have vestigial doubts, but not really fears.

    Besides, it’s officially fall where I am, and fall is amazing.

    @Mistress160 – Thankee. :)

    @Maymay – I’ll check that out recording. There’s tons of stuff I need to get to downloading (which requires a bit of planning at the moment) kink-related material, including Axe’s masocast, but this is yet another reminder to get on that. So I shall.

  5. subversive_sub permalink
    October 1, 2009 7:53 pm

    This all sounds so familiar. Exposing all of yourself to someone, even the parts you think they’ll be afraid of or disgusted by, is incredibly challenging and terrifying…but ultimately also very rewarding.

  6. ranat permalink*
    October 1, 2009 8:54 pm

    @Subversive Sub –

    “even the parts you think they’ll be afraid of or disgusted by, is incredibly challenging and terrifying…but ultimately also very rewarding”

    Yes, yes, and hopefully, yes. Okay, definitely yes, but, oh my constant uncertainty. About unspecified things.


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