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Within the Realm of Possibility

June 6, 2009

I have wondered before, if with finally understanding my sexuality, it would be possible for me to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with someone who didn’t share it. If I were simply dominant, and they were simply themselves, and whether or not anybody related to anyone else’s identification, we enjoyed each other, and that was simply that. Or if that would be like a heterosexual woman trying to have a sexual relationship with another woman, because there were no men around. I wonder if it’s possible to have my needs met, and to meet a partner’s needs.

I have thought about this in the context of someone who shared my desires but did not share a subcultural foundation, and I have thought about this in the context of someone who enjoyed my desires but not in that way that makes your chest clench and your throat hurt.

This has become more than an intellectual exercise because someone confessed their attraction to me. They are nice, attractive, and so, very, earnest. I do not turn into a bucket of lust at the sight of them. We have had a conversation about attraction and what it means to each of us. We will be having a conversation where I explain what I am and what it means to me, and I attempt to map out the sexuality of someone who has probably never thought very much about it. It might come to nothing else than some good conversations. But on the off chance this person is interested in experimenting, or even has complementary desires but has never articulated them, I could get some ass. My goal when explaining my dominance is to use terminology that is not alienating, but very, very accurate. As in, I like to give pain. A lot.

A couple of people around me, who are aware that I am dominant and sadistic, seem to think it would be awesome if I helped my admirer explore non-default sexuality. I would rather not do that. I would rather not be the one to initiate someone just so they can have the experience and know whether or not it is them. That is for later in life, when my hair is whitened, when I have a decent grasp on my life and my sexuality, and someone comes to me with questions.

I’m not a set of training wheels, god damn it.

And neither are they.

Both of which I need to remember.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. June 6, 2009 11:12 pm

    “A couple of people around me, who are aware that I am dominant and sadistic, seem to think it would be awesome if I helped my admirer explore non-default sexuality.”

    That seems pretty patronising to me. I’m sure they meant well, but it sounds to me like a kind of kink-elitism, a kind of snobby kink gourmandery (which is not quite the right word, but I don’t think there’s an abstract noun for what gourmets do). I find a tendency among some people on the scene that I know to think that the ‘ordinary’ way of doing things is somehow inferior, dumb, lazy-minded. That people having ‘vanilla’ (which is a word I dislike in and of itself) sex just haven’t been educated, don’t know any better. It makes me angry.

    /rant.

    Good luck with your person (I don’t think you mentioned gender, did you?). I hope it works out well for both of you.

  2. ranat permalink*
    June 8, 2009 4:05 pm

    “That seems pretty patronising to me. I’m sure they meant well, but it sounds to me like a kind of kink-elitism, a kind of snobby kink gourmandery.”

    Interestingly, the people who think me helping him explore are not kinky, and know mostly zilch about it other than what I’ve told them of myself.

    It seems like the person and I have some mutual sexual interests. They are so young though. Even though they are older than me. We’ll see.

  3. subversive_sub permalink
    June 10, 2009 5:37 pm

    I have heard “just convert your partner” a couple of times from kinky women, esp. submissive kinky women, and it makes me really uncomfortable — how would those people feel about a dominant man “helping” a non-kinky woman “explore” BDSM? And as you wrote a couple of posts ago, it’s the same sort of thing as the sub man trying to turn his non-kinky wife into the bitch goddess of his fantasies. It’s just never okay to try to change someone else’s sexuality to better fit your needs. I think the best we can do is be brutally honest about what we want and what it means to us — like you’re saying here — and hope that the person we’re interested in responds with, “Huh, that sounds like something I might want to try.” And to be prepared to back out of a relationship if it turns out the person isn’t, in fact, that turned on by the sort of stuff you are (or to negotiate things so you can get those needs met outside your vanilla relationship).

  4. ranat permalink*
    June 17, 2009 12:48 am

    “I have heard “just convert your partner” a couple of times from kinky women”

    Yeah. What I found interesting here was that the people who suggested this weren’t kinky.

    “I think the best we can do is be brutally honest about what we want and what it means to us — like you’re saying here — and hope that the person we’re interested in responds with, “Huh, that sounds like something I might want to try.” And to be prepared to back out of a relationship if it turns out the person isn’t, in fact, that turned on by the sort of stuff you are (or to negotiate things so you can get those needs met outside your vanilla relationship).”

    This is more or less the conclusion I’ve reached, though I have held off on describing specific acts to people around me and tried more to describe the feelings beneath them. Part of this is because I don’t necessarily want to toss off ‘And I like to clamp people’s nipples until they cry’ to just anyone, and partly to help myself to really understand what fulfills me sexually.

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