Skip to content

For the Love of Whatever

April 19, 2009

Perusing FetLife for the first time in a while. Good grief. Honestly.

As a sexual community, could we please acknowledge that acts are not inherently dominant or submissive?

Giving oral sex is not an inherently submissive act. Seriously. Honestly and truly.

Being tied up and whipped is not inherently submissive, and wielding a whip and tying the knots is not inherently dominant.

Wearing industrially manufactured synthetic clothing is not inherently kinky.

Could we also please acknowledge that dominance, submission, switch-ness, and any other kinky orientation are self-defined, and you don’t have to meet the criteria of some goddamn checklist to be what you are? Could we, as a sexual culture, acknowledge that our kink is whatever feels good to us and our partner(s)?

Could we please come from places of respect for our counterparts, instead of demanding they present themselves as a blank canvas for the acts and dynamics our sexual culture tells us we must desire to be what we are? By the way, it’s not only dominants who do this.

Here is this incredible, novel, crazy-ass idea: What if we did what felt good, what felt hot, what felt fun and deep and whole, instead of what ‘The Scene’ tells us is our kink?

9 Comments leave one →
  1. devastatingyet permalink
    April 19, 2009 8:20 pm

    That’s crazy talk. Now put on your PVC catsuit and hold your whip like a good little domme-with-an-extraneous-feminizing-suffix.

  2. ranat permalink*
    April 19, 2009 8:40 pm

    Don’t forget to call people ‘worm’ and sneer a lot.

  3. April 19, 2009 10:13 pm

    “Here is this incredible, novel, crazy-ass idea: What if we did what felt good, what felt hot, what felt fun and deep and whole, instead of what ‘The Scene’ tells us is our kink?”

    Hear Hear!

  4. Eric Kirk permalink
    May 20, 2009 8:23 am

    Very interesting blog. I was looking for something else entirely, but your writing has my attention.

    As for blowjobs being inherently submissive, all I can say is that if I was going to piss a woman off it definitely wouldn’t be during the act. Being tied up excluded, it’s hard to imagine a more vulnerable position for a man to be in. Maybe the concept of the act as submissive is being spread by men essentially whistling in the dark.

    Not that receiving oral sex is inherently submissive, but it is by definition physically passive.

  5. ranat permalink*
    May 26, 2009 10:43 pm

    It seems like receiving a blow job is a very vulnerable act to me as well.

    “Not that receiving oral sex is inherently submissive, but it is by definition physically passive.”

    I don’t agree that receiving oral sex is by definition physically passive. You can be moving around and participating in all sorts of ways even if someone else is doing the primary manipulation. This could be physical (hip thrusting, hair grasping, caressing, slapping), verbal (moaning, encouraging, gasping), and emotional (engagement, being fully present in the experience).

    The idea of passive and active sexual roles and how the dominant culture defines is something I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and discussion about. Much discussion ahead.

    Thanks for stopping by and saying your piece! I’ve been in need of discussions of this nature.

  6. September 30, 2009 8:43 pm

    My skimming-the-surface view of “The Scene” … both online and in person … has thus far been that it’s long on technique, short on erotique.

    And I know that may be unfair, because I’m guessing that *demonstrations* of knot-tying, etc. are not at all the same as being in the moment at home.

    But when I’ve shared the impression, I’ve gotten sort of a rueful acknowledgment that there’s some truth to it.

  7. December 24, 2010 6:15 am

    I couldn’t agree more. I have specifically never understood why receiving a blow job is necessarily an inherently dominant act, precisely because of the very vulnerability a man has at those times.

    Seriously, what’s “dominant” or “submissive” is the orders, and the mindset with which anything is done, the way it is approached. The degree and type of activity during receiving helps determine this as well, as you have mentioned. There’s nothing at all submissive about the man who is forcing his submissive’s head down on his cock and throat-fucking her, for example.

    No act or item is in itself inherently either dominant or submissive; no set of behaviors properly belong to either one or the other role.

  8. ranat permalink*
    December 27, 2010 2:51 pm

    @justjss – Yeah, “the scene” seems to be very skills-oriented, which certainly has it’s place. A lot of the skills need to be learned in order to be done safely, but there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of qualitative discussion out there. Funnily enough, it’s the same in the primitive skills scene– it’s all about the skills.

    @kinkylittlegirl – “No act or item is in itself inherently either dominant or submissive; no set of behaviors properly belong to either one or the other role.”

    Totally with you on that one.

Trackbacks

  1. from Male Submission Art « The Writings of Leda Harlowe

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: