Skip to content

A Different Culture

April 19, 2009
tags: ,

After Kink For All, Sara Eileen and I got together for chats and delicious foods, whereupon we reflected on the fuckedupness that we are the only dominant women of our age that we know. Seriously. She is the only dominant woman I know within a decade of my age. Technically, I have met one other woman within a decade of my age who identified as a ‘goddess.’

Even including the crazy chick (there were other issues than her deification), that’s three dominant women across a couple of continents in ‘The  Next Generation.’ The only other kinky women we know in our age group are subs or switches.



Right around Kink For All I was struck, not with an epiphany, but this sudden idea, this thought.

Not to take credit away from the zeal of my self-repression in regard to my sexuality, but part of the reason I was so oblivious for so long was because I had no sexual counterparts to react to. When my desires did surface, I quickly squashed them as unreasonable, selfish, and unrealistic. Who would want to do that with me? I was asking too much, I was ungrateful for what I had.

I don’t feel comfortable appropriating the language of the asexuality community, but ‘asexual’ is the only word I know of that describes what I felt. For all that time, I effectively did not experience sexual attraction. There was no one for me to be attracted to. All the straight, vanilla kids had each other to react to, to be attracted to and have fast, secret, car-backseat sex with. None of this is to suggest that asexual people are merely people who haven’t discovered their sexuality yet, but the definition of ‘asexual’ on the AVEN website so perfectly describes what I felt.

Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction.

I misinterpreted my lack of arousal as self control, since at the time I was saving myself for Monogamous (or possibly Bigamous) Matrimony. My understanding of sexuality (Hahahahahaha…) really camouflaged my lack of one.

And then, around Kink For All, I realized: What if, what if, what if, I had grown up with submissive people to react to? Or even when I hit puberty I’d had submissive people to react to? To be attracted to, to feel desired by, to share with, to play off of. Who would I be if I had grown up with submissive counterparts, and dominant role models? How would my sexuality have evolved if my dominance had been accepted both by myself and my culture as a fact of my life, to be nurtured and to grow like anything else?

I thought about it for days, maybe a couple of weeks. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

There’s something terribly sad, and longing, and useless and lost about thinking about it.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Bean permalink
    May 21, 2009 8:24 am

    ‘Allo! I was recently digging again through that mess that was in Nine Deuce’s blog a while back, and noticed you and followed the trackback here.

    This is a pretty late response for when this was posted, but I had to reply anyway because it gave me such a, “are you me?” moment. I also ended up at AVEN at one point, mulling over their definitions. It’s not that I’ve never been attracted to someone; more that the idea of vanilla sex grabbed me so little that I was wondering if I was actually biromantic rather than bisexual.

    Maybe you can’t find other dominant women because some of them are also ending up thinking they’re asexual/nonsexual/”frigid”? I mean, it sounds like you found the concept of asexuality after kink, but (unless I’m reading that wrong) if you had found asexuality first…?

    Anyway, yeah. I’m really awkward at introducing myself, but I wanted to say hi.

  2. ranat permalink*
    May 26, 2009 10:37 pm

    I’ve been vaguely aware of the concept of asexuality since I was a little kid (my mom had a coworker who identified as asexual). When I finally realized how unaroused I had been my entire life I think I used the word without really knowing what it meant. I feel like it applies, but for me it’s not an identification. I still feel pretty iffy about using a word that’s not mine, but I haven’t found another one that describes that feeling.

    “Maybe you can’t find other dominant women because some of them are also ending up thinking they’re asexual/nonsexual/”frigid”?”

    I really have no idea. I wasn’t even aware of how atypical my lack of arousal was. I never got labeled as frigid, and people never really called me a prude because I was perfectly okay with talking and joking about a range of sexual stuff, just not doing it.

    Thanks for saying hi! Hi’s are good. They get conversations started.


  1. Journeys Into the Scare-the-Shit-Out-Of-You Unknown « beyond the hills
  2. The Way Things Have Always Been « beyond the hills

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: