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Shit is Fucking Weird

April 11, 2009

For the first time since admitting my sexuality to myself, I want a sexual relationship. Arguably for the first time in my life, since I never felt the desire to have a sexual relationship because I didn’t understand my sexuality. But I want one, not for the future, but for the now.

It’s that simple.

I don’t want to experiment, I don’t want playdates, or even a play partner, I want an ongoing, evolving sexual relationship.

And I have no fucking clue what to do with that.

Not even an inkling.

Masturbation might be a part of my relationship with myself, but that’s not everything I’m looking for. I know I don’t want to go and find the local scene because ‘The Scene’ does not fit me, and I do not fit it. The only thing I can see coming out of that is pick-up play, play parties, and maybe some playdates with people I have only sexual interests in common with.

Even since admitting I’m dominant and a sadist, my sexuality has still been behind a couple of maximum security doors. Not as many as when I was in complete denial, but still a few. I only let it out at certain hours, with strict rules, and the rest of the time it goes back to its cell. And then maybe I beat it up just for existing. I’ve been wanting to integrate my dominance into my life, but I haven’t known how to that.

Then, something happened, and my dominance is out of its cell. It’s with me, daily. I don’t just forget about it until I get horny again.

Well fuck, now what do I do with it?

It’s like an annoying stray tagging along at my heels.

“Hey, what– oh, it’s you. Wait, I don’t know if there’s room in here for– Well, okay, maybe if I move some of this shit over you’ll have a place to sit. But don’t talk. Okay, you can talk, but don’t get too windy. Oh, God! You’re still there. You startled me. Would… you like go somewhere… else? No? Huh.”

My sadism on the other hand, is still locked away, sometimes peering mournfully out of the tiny window on the cell door. Part of it is that I feel like the people around me might be able to handle that I’m ‘kinky’ and dominant, but not that I’m a sadist. People wig out about that shit.

And then there are also a couple of people around me who I think I maybe possibly perhaps be getting submissive vibes from. But I don’t know. I have no way of telling. I don’t feel safe enough to just ask. I don’t know if I’m making it up, imagining it, projecting, or just crushing. Or maybe just ovulating. That fucks with my head a lot.

I am simultaneously glad that my dominance is sharing company with the rest of me, and unexpectedly flabbergasted, and completely confused about what to with it.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. April 11, 2009 10:28 pm

    “Masturbation might be a part of my relationship with myself, but that’s not everything I’m looking for. I know I don’t want to go and find the local scene because ‘The Scene’ does not fit me, and I do not fit it. The only thing I can see coming out of that is pick-up play, play parties, and maybe some playdates with people I have only sexual interests in common with.”

    That’s what I thought at first about the scene, but then I met a nice guy online who was part of the scene, and while he and I were never more than play-partners, he encouraged me to go to events and meet people. While I was not looking for a relationship at that time (I really was just looking for regular play partners while I got over my big break-up) I did end up meeting my current partner at a party, one he only attended because one his friends encouraged him to. I’m still surprised at the amount of interests we have in common beyond our kinkiness… so I guess I’m saying you never know…

  2. ranat permalink*
    April 12, 2009 1:20 am

    It’s not just ‘the scene.’ It’s mainstream culture in general, and the scene itself has become ‘the mainstream’ for BDSM. Expectations, stereotypes, discriminations, demands, just in a subculture instead of the larger culture. For example, mainstream culture wants me to be a glitzy, hairless, scantily-clad blow-up doll. ‘The scene’ wants me to be a glitzy, hairless, PVC-clad blow-up doll. I don’t see much there to entice me.

    This is not to say that there are not cool people in the kink scene. I’ve met several, but that’s not to say I think that culture is for me.

    Also, commuting to kink scenes. Beh.

  3. April 12, 2009 1:42 am

    Can completely understand that, I like getting all glitzed up, but the expectation that I SHOULD be all glitzed up is… well annoyingly mainstream, and I have noticed that there’s an element of ‘the cool kids’ in the scene dress up which I find a bit high school. I also hate PVC (smells bad and is an environmental disaster) which makes some people in the scene think I’m weird.

    I did struggle with the stereotypes that some people in the scene have, I might be submissive but I’m still my own person, not some blank slate for someone else to write their desires on. I imagine some dominants have the same problem. I was fortunate to meet a partner who didn’t want a blowup doll, he actually wanted a relationship with a whole person. But yeah, some people in the scene do seem intent on creating a culture of caricatures.

    Wish you all the best in your search, even though I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met my partner I was clear in my own head what I wanted in a partner and a relationship and I think that knowledge helped me avoid getting entangled with someone who wouldn’t respect me as me, ie someone who just wanted me to to be a caricature of a submissive.

  4. ranat permalink*
    April 14, 2009 1:10 am

    Indeed, PVC is a major environmental disaster. Very, very, very, very poisonous.

    “I might be submissive but I’m still my own person, not some blank slate for someone else to write their desires on.”

    Exactly. Dominant women get a lot of similar bullshit.

    Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement. :)

  5. Leah B permalink
    April 17, 2009 12:48 am

    “And then there are also a couple of people around me who I think I maybe possibly perhaps be getting submissive vibes from. But I don’t know. I have no way of telling. I don’t feel safe enough to just ask. I don’t know if I’m making it up, imagining it, projecting, or just crushing.”

    You just made me feel better about the last two months of my life. I am going through this as well. So I am not crazy! Hurray.

    I wonder, though, if there is such thing as a sort of “submissive radar”… okay, “subdar” to be cheesy. I’ve always been attracted to men who seem very submissive, but are they similar when it comes to sexuality? This is confusing.

  6. ranat permalink*
    April 19, 2009 12:27 pm

    “I’ve always been attracted to men who seem very submissive, but are they similar when it comes to sexuality? This is confusing.”

    The world is infinitely diverse, so I’m guessing there are people who might seem submissive but are just giving signals that superficially resemble submissiveness. And then there are doubtless people who don’t seem submissive who are all about getting on their knees with some clamps on their nipples. I know that I dated a boy once who I now recognize I was attracted to because he seemed submissive (before I consciously admitted my desires), who was actually pretty damn vanilla.

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