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Because Any Subject Is Appropriate for New Years

January 1, 2009

Does anyone know anything about orgasm drop? I use the term “drop” as in “top drop,” since that’s the only thing I can compare it to. It took me a while to put the pattern together that I usually ended up depressed for a couple hours to a couple days after having an orgasm (it occurs to me that I’ve only been having orgasms for two months, which seems ridiculously short considering it feels like forever). I was so depressed living in the City I assumed it was just that. But now I’m out of the City and loving it, and the post-orgasm depression is still there. I’ve had one orgasm with another person, with the same result. There seems to be something actually called “post orgasmic depression” but it doesn’t look like there’s a lot of literature about it. It could be an endorphin drop, I guess. Or maybe I’m associating orgasm with my misery in the City. Or something.

My main motivation for having an orgasm is that it’s the way to finish or resolve or do something about a bout of lust, rather than just spinning out the arousal for hours until I feel emotionally sapped and painfully swollen for days. Orgasm doesn’t feel good. It isn’t pleasurable. It’s a physical building and resolution that is a concrete marker that I’ve done something about my lust. And because of my year fighting to have an orgasm and the agonizing frustration after I masturbated and fantasized and fantasized and masturbated and things only got worse, I need that marker.

The primary reason that I return to masturbating to orgasm is that is the only alternative I’ve found to the utter frustration I experienced before. Some parts of it, the flush of endorphins and the building, are physically compelling, but not enough alone to keep me doing it. The reason I keep doing it is because it’s the end, it’s the resolution, it’s the not-hurting-genitals. Other than the oversensitivity. I’ve gotten over the fact that it doesn’t feel good or pleasurable. But then there was supposed to be satisfaction, but I realized there’s not that either. A lot of times there’s sleepiness, but whenever I nap afterwards I have a really bad, exhausting sleep. There’s often, “Well, that didn’t do it, let’s go for round two– oh shit, clitoris. Ow.” There’s (frequently, but not always) depression. And that can’t be right.

I’m probably going to annoy all the orgasm fans and/or orgasm advocates out there, but I would just like to say that orgasm is dumb. What a stupid thing. Couldn’t our bodies have come up with something cooler than genital spasms?

(Another part of me demands, ‘How am I supposed to do orgasm denial play if orgasm is not worth it anyway?!?!?’)

I would also like to say for the record that the Gregorian Calendar, while accurate, is stupid. New Years in the middle of winter? Eleven days after the winter solstice? What? I can’t believe people actually bother celebrating it. There are no trees in mass bloom, no celestial events, no special phase of the moon, no great migrations of herds or flocks. It’s just fucking cold. Well, I guess it’s warmer in southern Italy in January. I’m switching to the Nowruz. Take that, Aloysius Lillius.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. Nameless permalink
    January 1, 2009 4:56 am

    I went through a period where I dissolved into floods of tears after coming. Every time. It was insanely frustrating, because it coloured everything. I don’t even know if it’s resolved, because it was with my last boyfriend, so I haven’t had the chance to find out. Though at that time I also cried after coming on my own, and I no longer do, so perhaps it’s gone.

    It all began when we started having sex again after a period where I had been in the grips of a rather nasty depression. At first I thought perhaps it was just a kind of emotional release, but it quickly because so icky-feeling that I was wary of having sex at all. I wondered whether it was… that in a sense I didn’t really want to be sleeping with him. We’d become more like brother and sister by that point, because he’d done so much looking after me when I was ill. So perhaps it was that in some way I wasn’t being true to myself. But I had this feeling… I don’t know, a feeling of disappointment, that sex wasn’t working, a concern that sex was always going to suck for me. A disappointment with sex itself.

    When I read Bitchy’s descriptions of top drop, I’m reminded of the way I felt then (that’s one of the reasons I’m so scared of it). It felt as though, while I was aroused, that urge overrode my feeling that I was doing something I had doubts about, and when I came, and the urge fell away, I was then left with all those doubts, and suddenly felt crappy about what I’d done.

    Of course, it could be that you’re simply feeling depressed because the orgasm thing sucks for you. That would be the most obvious cause as far as I can see. That every time you come, it’s another little disappointment. Enough to depress anyone.

  2. January 1, 2009 10:33 am

    I’ve never heard of the medical term called “post-orgasmic depression,” but the concept is not at all unheard of. Ironically, my fetishistic interest in orgasm denial often causes a bout of similar feelings to that which I’m reading is described by the term—sadness and a lack of satisfaction after an orgasm—although in my case I’ve identified this as both an emotional “goodbye” to a bout of denial, as well as the chemical and hormonal shift.

    If nothing else, I hope that you take this comment as a ray of hope for orgasm denial play. For one, orgasms for you don’t have to be the same thing as orgasms for the one you’re interested in denying. For another, even if your teasee isn’t interested in having an orgasm, physically keeping them from that physical sensation of being done with the lust is what orgasm denial is all about. That bit is ultimately far, far, far more important than the pleasure of the physical release.

    Hope you’ve had a happy arbitrary gregorian calendar boundary condition (aka. new year’s).

  3. ranat permalink
    January 1, 2009 4:11 pm

    @ Nameless –

    “I don’t know, a feeling of disappointment, that sex wasn’t working, a concern that sex was always going to suck for me. A disappointment with sex itself.”

    That! Only substitute “orgasm” for “sex.” It’s the weirdest feeling, to have had an orgasm, the thing that all the hullabaloo is about, the thing that apparently some people will risk terrifying venereal disease and loss of friendship for, and to just feel *disappointed.* How can I be disappointed? I just had an orgasm. And then to think, ‘What am I complaining about? I just had an orgasm. Some people can’t even get that far.’ It’s very, very weird.

    Oh, and I am going to respond to your other comment on the archetypes post, I’ve just been feeling too lazy to go digging through my books.

    @maymay –

    “For another, even if your teasee isn’t interested in having an orgasm, physically keeping them from that physical sensation of being done with the lust is what orgasm denial is all about.”

    I do take that as a ray of hope, even if I am confused.

    “Hope you’ve had a happy arbitrary gregorian calendar boundary condition (aka. new year’s).”

    Hah! Well, there will be cabbage. I like cabbage.

  4. devastatingyet permalink
    January 2, 2009 12:47 am

    You might consider giving yourself a bit of post-orgasm aftercare. Have a cup of tea or some milk (or beer, or water – whatever feels right) and a little snack. It might help.

  5. ranat permalink
    January 2, 2009 3:55 am

    @Dev – There’s an idea. I did wonder if it was the lack of that connection. My orgasmic fantasies are all highly sadistic, and my imaginary victims can’t hug me and tell me it was nice.

  6. Ireen permalink
    January 2, 2009 3:23 pm

    Not much to add, other than my body took a quite a while to get used to orgasms and and for them to feel enjoyable in the slightest and not just weird. And yes, lots of chocolate afterwards! Any time, actually…

  7. ranat permalink
    January 3, 2009 1:57 am

    @Ireen – Mmmm. Chocolate… My self-medication of choice.

  8. subversive_sub permalink
    January 8, 2009 11:32 pm

    As always with this issue: sympathies. It sucks. I’ve been there, lots of times. It took me many years to have an orgasm that didn’t leave me insanely frustrated afterward — and that still happens from time to time. There’s of course no way of knowing whether your body is wired similarly to mine, but…after years and years of bad orgasms, I *did* eventually start to have ones that were actually nice. I had to, uh, practice a lot, learning what felt good and what didn’t, the ways I had to breathe just before and while coming, the mental state I had to be in, and so on. Orgasm is still mostly just resolution and “end” for me as well (and is sometimes really unpleasant), but it’s not too much of a stretch to imagine that the orgasms you’ll be having ten years from now are going to feel a lot different from the ones you’re having now.

  9. ranat permalink
    January 12, 2009 4:08 am

    @subversive_sub –

    “[…] it’s not too much of a stretch to imagine that the orgasms you’ll be having ten years from now are going to feel a lot different from the ones you’re having now.”

    I’m counting on it. But to one of my age ten years seems like a very long time. That’s like, half my life. I maintain that even when satisfying, orgasms are both weird and stupid.

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