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Free

December 18, 2008

The final labor that will end my obligations here in the City is finished, done, over. I am free.

Well, I’m certainly not free, but I am more free. And I am getting the hell out of this God-forsaken pit of despair.

Attending local kinky meetings had been forestalled by my final labor, and I went to two while I still had to opportunity. Hosted by the same organization, they were profoundly different experiences.

The first was a wax demo. I like fire. I like wax. I like candles. The two demonstrators were both women, a dominant and a submissive, and the submissive fucking floored me. Seriously. She was middle-aged, and she had a body to match. Probably a mother, maybe even a grandmother. Very matronly-looking, unremarkable in her looks and body-type. And as she carefully shrugged out of the coat hiding her nakedness, wearing nothing but a black thong that her dominant had specified needed to be black, and climbed up onto the table, she was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Wow.

I’ve always been a gerontophile for men, but I’ve never been so fiercely attracted to an older woman before.

The demo was thoroughly fun, and the discussion afterwards left me feeling very positive about the kinky community.

Then came a dominant women/submissive men get-together. Purportedly there was free food and I knew some people going, so I figured, what the hell, a gathering just for my kind of people. Why not? It’ll be a good way to get the lay of the land, thought I.

The lay of the land is fucking sad. Worthy of weeping.

It’s not that of the twenty or twenty-five submissive men that showed up almost all were over the age of forty. I dig age, experience, and character. It was the stiff, awkward way they held themselves, their stony, lifeless expressions as if they couldn’t stand being there or have any idea how to socialize, but couldn’t tear themselves away. Of the maybe six women there, two were submissive and had come with dominant friends. I was by far the youngest person there. There were three men within a decade of my age. All three of them were dominant (they were working the door). I won’t describe the contests that were played lest my eyes begin to bleed.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, I am a total gerontophile for men. If any one of them had shown a single spark of life, I probably would have jumped him. The one man who did ask me to flog him “just so he could try it” did so by proxy, something I’ve always found insulting. Serious pet-peeve. I’ve had countless people tell me that I should somehow be flattered to be considered so unapproachable that a man must express interest through a third party, but I’ve never bought it. Being approached via proxy is to be told that I am unapproachable, that I’m not human, that I’ve been put on some goddamn pedestal again without my consent or notice and now I have to have an intermediary to connect with the outside world. So they’re interested in me, but not interested enough to come up to me and tell me themselves.

Unfortunately for me the proxy was very nice and sweet, and the man was sitting right fucking next to me (he was closer than his proxy, who was across from me), and I didn’t have the wit to conjure, “Sure, if he asks me himself.” So there proceeded to be some soulless target practice, while I tried to exercise good-dom practices in a parody of a scene.

Now, he seemed like a sweet guy. And he had dreads down to his ass which was pretty cool. He called “red,” which we had agreed upon, after I had reached out to rub his shoulders again, just to let me know he had had enough. I wanted him to know that he didn’t have to wait for a lull in the scene to end it, and he told me, “I know. I just wanted you to touch me again.”

Fuck, man. That’s the crux of the matter. Here we have a room full of men who probably haven’t been touched except maybe at events like this for years, who have no fucking clue how to express their submissive identities, approach a dominant woman, or even make decent conversation. And it’s just so damn sad.

I don’t know what to do for those men. I don’t know how to fix femdom. But I’m free, or free-er, and I find what I want or I will forge it myself.

Jones went and said it again.

I can spend the whole evening transcendental, floating, thinking only, over, over, that this man, who is here and real and mouth dryingly handsome, will let me hurt him.

I dream about those men. I’ve dreamt them. It doesn’t matter that I’m bipolyomnipan, I’m obsessed with men. I’m obsessed with their male bodies and their man genders, and their gender roles as fathers, brothers, lovers, warriors, hunters, laborers, slaves, and sometimes just assholes.

And the real trouble is, a man who would feel about me the way I feel about Jack, a man who would hold himself in pulsating almost unbearable joy just with the idea that I get turned on hurting him, that I hurt a man and I liked it, those men are ruined. Fucked up. Broken. Smeared in the shit of prodoms and fetish porn. Hot housed into frustrated uselessness by the fact they are no dominant women. Made into things that might turn me on – on some level, but also make me bleed inside with an haemorrhage of raging bleh.

That terrifies me. It terrifies me the way the thought of martial law terrifies me, the way that RFID chips terrify me, the way that dioxin in my mammary glands terrifies me. But I will not give in. I will not fold because femdom is fucked. I will find the submissive men who have not been broken by the culture of civilization, who have not been broken by the culture of femdom, who know that their submission is beautiful. I will hunt them down like a dog, just to feel that joy.

I will find them. They will be mine.

13 Comments leave one →
  1. December 19, 2008 3:43 am

    I will find the submissive men […] who know that their submission is beautiful. I will hunt them down like a dog, just to feel that joy.

    I will find them. They will be mine.

    So you know how there was once a post you wrote about wanting to kidnap certain sex bloggers?

    Yeah…so…this post is the reciprocal of that: when that certain sex blogger really, really wants to be hunted by you.

    I know you’re planning to eventually leave New York City (as am I), but please tell me you’ll at least be able to make KinkForAllNewYorkCity in March? I would very, very much like to meet you in person.

  2. ranat permalink
    December 19, 2008 4:46 am

    …aaaand now you have me wondering how to stage a kidnapping scene. *cough*

    KinkForAll conveniently coincides with a visit I need to make there anyway, so I’m going to line up all my apples. I believe we will indeed have the chance to meet in person. Fun fun. :D

    I am very curious about how KinkForAll will shape up, and will probably post a thread on FetLife to that effect. In the mean time I shall tell my mentor of it and see if he’ll spread it around his circle as publicity.

  3. December 19, 2008 6:23 am

    I just signed my slave contract tonight, so I’m a little bubbly. But thank you for what you said about knowing we’re beautiful. My Mistress tells me my submission is beautiful all the time, and I’m starting to seriously believe her.

  4. December 19, 2008 11:58 am

    I know a lot about kidnapping scenes, from researching possible ways to do them. I’m happy to talk to you about it, should you need an accomplice in the planning stages.

    Because yes, you should kidnap him. He is so worth it.

  5. ranat permalink
    December 19, 2008 1:30 pm

    @Joscelin – Congrats on the contract! And I am glad you are coming to believe Dev, because *many* people still need to understand that submissive men are gorgeous creatures. You are like Silmarils.

    @Eileen – …… I’m going to email you.

  6. December 19, 2008 1:57 pm

    @ranat: YAY! :)

    I am very curious about how KinkForAll will shape up, and will probably post a thread on FetLife to that effect.

    Just so you know, there is a FetLife group I created for the concept but didn’t promote on the flyer I want people to copy around. FetLife is rather popular right now so promotion in that space will be wonderful, but I want people to be aware that KinkForAll has intentions that are much, much broader than the fetish/BDSM/kink scene. Therefore, FetLife can’t be the center of focus by definition.

    I was planning to promote KinkForAll in the New York BDSM group on FetLife as well as some others, but if you’d like to do so I highly encourage you to (and would appreciate it if you did)!

  7. December 19, 2008 10:14 pm

    Wow, kidnapping. That is *so* hot.

    *stares into space for a few minutes*

    Wow.

    I wanna play.

    I’m obsessed with their male bodies and their man genders, and their gender roles as fathers, brothers, lovers, warriors, hunters, laborers, slaves, and sometimes just assholes.

    Ah, archetypes. Archetypes are everything.

    Men tend to be scared of their archetypes these days, as we’ve been complaining about gender roles for so long that the whole subject is touchy. I once went to a Spirit Horse event and saw male archetypes treated with respect. I didn’t go back, because in my ‘real’ world, I *don’t* like anyone’s role to be defined by their gender. But I did like the power in what they were doing. They celebrated man-ness and boy-ness just as much as woman-ness.

    I remember one evening some boys were playing with the candles on one of the dinner tables, and someone nearby told them off. Shivam (the male community leader) basically said ‘They’re ok, they’re just doing what comes naturally – they just want to learn to make fire. And we’re going to teach them.’

    The centrepoint of the event was a big ritual, and at one point they wanted to plant a flag at the four compass points, high up on the mountains that surround the valley. Shivam called for volunteers, and straight away several young men leapt up. Four were selected, and off they went, sprinting away. We could see them periodically as they made their ways up – they ran *all the way* up these huge Welsh mountains. I couldn’t believe it was possible to climb a mountain so fast. I was so in awe of and in love with these young men’s gift, the gift of their physical labour, the sacrifice of their sweat, their pain, given freely and joyfully for their community.

    The Spirit Horse men really impressed me. We’re used to being impressed by women these days, but men often seem so lost. These guys had a sense of security about themselves and their worth that I wish more men could feel.

  8. ranat permalink
    December 20, 2008 3:28 am

    @Nameless – Whoa. Spirit Horse sounds AWESOME. The world needs more returning to meaningful ritual. Also, sweaty young men running up mountains as a celebration of community and masculinity is sweet.

    Archetypes are tasty.

  9. December 21, 2008 11:20 am

    Interestingly, I am very much bored by ritual. I wonder, how well were/are effeminate men (perhaps like those such as myself) respected in Spirit Horse? Is there room for the straight-queer man, or the genderqueer person at all?

    Archetypes are, indeed, tasty, but I often feel as though I fit just as poorly into the masculine archetype as I do the feminine. Further, I strongly believe a mixture is necessary, even for the most masculine of men.

  10. ranat permalink
    December 21, 2008 3:29 pm

    I do not know about Spirit Horse, but along those lines several indigenous North American cultures came up with the idea of Two Spirit, and people who identified more with the gender not traditionally linked with their biological sex could go do the gender roles they liked. I’m not entirely clear on if they were considered third gender, or entirely the gender they chose to identify with, or if it depends on the specific culture. I need to do more research on it.

    “Further, I strongly believe a mixture is necessary, even for the most masculine of men.”

    I agree. I find masculinity is enhanced by femininity and vice-versa. For myself, I find that many of the traits that I associate most strongly with my woman-ness are highlighted by my traits that are more traditionally masculine.

  11. Nameless permalink
    December 25, 2008 1:52 am

    MayMay: this is one of the big reasons I didn’t go back! This way of thinking doesn’t suit me. I reject any kind of gender roles assigned outside roleplay. I will not have anyone telling me that women can be grouped into maiden/mother/crone – fuck that shit – or any other gender-based categories – and ditto for the male equivalents. I have friends who do a lot of gender-based magic, and I hate that crap. I will not be told who I am based on the fact I have breasts.

    The traditional archetypes do interest me sexually, but so do all kinds of other ones. I have a great fondness for the ‘pretty young men’ line. I knew a beautiful boy at uni who played with that very well. He had a little leather peaked cap with ‘Boy’ across it, and wow, did he know how to flirt with the guys. He was pitch-perfect; never a caricature of either gender, just slightly vulnerable, faux-naive, sensuous, with a face like an angel trying to tempt you to corrupt him. I spent some happy nights curled up with him and his not-quite-boyfriend. I have him to thank for waking me up to my faghag side. :)

    Actually, I love women taking a ‘masculine’ role, too. There was a tv adaptation of Twelfth Night, back in the UK, starring Parminder Nagra as Viola. When she was playing Viola playing Cesario, I was totally in love with her. The space between masculinity and femininity is a powerful place.

    Archetypes of all kinds are powerful. And yes, Spirit Horse really doesn’t cater for all archetypes. Although I’m sure they would consider themselves welcoming of all lifestyles and attitudes, I don’t think they really are, and I personally didn’t feel at home there.

  12. ranat permalink
    December 27, 2008 4:52 am

    Seeing as we’re having all this tasty discussion about archetypes, I think it might be useful to define which archetypes we’re talking about. Because archetypes from different eras and cultures are very different things.

    Personally, when I think of gender archetypes, I tend to have two sets: My personal set of the gender archetypes I’m attracted to (and seem to have invented, as I’ve never actually witnessed them), and hunter-gatherer gender archetypes. In the case of the latter, I go back at least 10,000 years and ignore anything that came after, thinking to myself, “But why would we want archetypes of froufy men in wigs who beat women with sticks?” [random example]

    Thinking about this discussion really made me aware of how much I was of two minds about it: On one hand, I like gender archetypes, and believe they are both beautiful and viable. Due to the male/female sexual biology exhibited by much of the human species, and gastronomical omnivorous biology, etc, there are very valid reasons why many traditional/indigenous hunter-gather or tribal peoples develop very similar gender roles. It makes sense for female women to be gatherers and small game hunters when they’re carrying about babies on their backs and in their uteruses (again, when I think archetype, I go way back). It makes sense for mother-brothers to be the primary teachers of sister-sons in matrilineal moiety societies. I am very insistent in my personal life about mixing up the gender roles, but there are cultures other than my own (for instance cultures that did not oppress women), where the gender division of labor appears to have been much less restrictive than what many people associate with Western gender roles/archetypes.

    On the other hand, these gender archetypes no longer fit everyone and many people do not find themselves happy being forced into them, and there has to be the freedom for people to define themselves and their gender regardless of biology. I attribute this largely to the increasing levels of abstraction in the rapidly homogenizing global culture. The more divorced a culture becomes from pragmatics like subsistence, the less sense it makes for labor/activities to be divided along gender lines. While I believe the divorce of culture from daily pragmatics is a bad thing, the result of gender abstraction I think of as neutral; it can either be a plethora of potentials to be enjoyed and explored in the formation of one’s identity, or it can confuse the hell out of you because there are no longer any cut and dried answers (ie penis = boy, vagina = girl).

    Of course, a lot of this is based on my own experience as a largely cisgendered person, who has only had a couple of bouts of gender-identify crisis. Though I relish my masculine attributes, I still identify very strongly as woman. But I felt like exegesis-ing (even though I just conflated “archetype,” “gender role,” “gender,” and who knows what else and have probably confused everyone).

  13. Nameless permalink
    December 27, 2008 7:51 pm

    You say:

    “there are cultures other than my own (for instance cultures that did not oppress women), where the gender division of labor appears to have been much less restrictive than what many people associate with Western gender roles/archetypes.”

    Can you offer some examples? Purely out of interest.

    Personally, I don’t think I could ever encounter a gender-based role that I would not consider oppressive if taken seriously and applied unilaterally. I firmly reject the idea that gender is meaningful beyond the extent that it affects the way we are treated by others. That’s quite a big extent, I appreciate, but there’s a huge difference between ‘people tend to treat you like this because you’re a man/woman’ – which is a simple reality of life – and ‘you are like this / should behave like this because you’re a man/woman’ – which is total arse (imo).

    I *love* to *play* with archetypes – there’s such power in them – but then I play with all kinds of ideas in a roleplaying content that I would never want to encounter in reality.

    Perhaps I’m an oddity – I don’t consider my gender relevant at all. I never identified much as a ‘girl’. I don’t identify as ‘boy’, either. Just human soul.

    Growing up, I thought I identified with ‘boy’ more than girl, but I think there are two reasons for that – one is that my mother made such a huge deal about girls being ‘as good as boys’ – way to mix the messages, mum. The other is that I knew I didn’t identify with ‘girlness’, and so I suppose I thought I identified with ‘boyness’ because I thought it was the only other option. Took me a while to realise I didn’t have to choose!

    Gender just feels like little boxes that I don’t fit into. I’ll play with gender concepts for fun, but for reality, what’s the point of trying to squeeze into one or the other? I’m very ‘feminine’ in body, but in mind, I don’t belong in either category.

    I can see the other side of the coin. The Spirit Horse folks, for example, have a sense of security that I think comes partly from knowing where they ‘fit’ into their community. But the thing about Spirit Horse is it’s a voluntary community. Everyone is there because they want to be. People like me, who profoundly resent being told they have to take a certain role in ritual just because they have breasts, don’t go back. I think there are other and better ways to feel secure than slotting neatly into a prescribed role. Wouldn’t it be better to encourage people to be secure in their uniqueness than in thei similarity to others? Aren’t those similarities divisive? ‘Define’ means ‘limit’, after all.

    Ach, it’s too early for this stuff. I’m off to get some breakfast.

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