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Blogging, Exploration, and My Own Apathy

November 4, 2008

One of the reasons I thought coming to this City for the time I had to be here was going to be okay was that it was going to offer me access to a very large BDSM scene in which to explore my sexuality. In some ways it does, but in other ways it doesn’t.

Many people feel like they don’t fit into the public kinky scene despite being out and/or open about their kink. I started out with a, “Well, it’s probably not going to fit me, but at least I’ll be able to learn.” And in some ways I can learn, but in other ways I can’t. I’ve been to several workshops and classes at two kinky education groups. It’s good for starter information on skills (which I so dearly love), and information and anecdotes about dynamics (such as d/s and polyamory), but it’s no substitute for real experience.

Then I got to a point where I said to myself, “Well, I got some starter information, but now I have no way to put it into practice, so what’s the point of putting 2 or 3 hours of travel time to go to another workshop where I’ll get more starter information and have no way to put it into practice?”

Then I tell myself, “Well, get someone to practice on, stupid.”

Early in my explorations I went to a kinky club, because I felt if I didn’t start doing something, now, I would go crazy. I got leeched on by some crazy man, then got into a good conversation with a top, who introduced me to a submissive man in a cage who loved to be tickled. It seemed like a good idea. I had a recommendation, we had been formally introduced. I did not feel threatened, and I could begin with something very light. I mean, he was a naked man in a cage, with his hands cuffed behind his back. Good ingredients. We did some casual negotiation a little bit before, a little bit during the scene. Afterwards I realized I’d never asked him what his safeword was and felt completely guilty and stupid, even though it was “only” a tickling scene. I felt a little better when I realized that the “red-yellow-green” system is often assumed, or someone can just say “safeword.” It wasn’t really an issue here. For instance, he had just had surgery on a spot in his back, and when I accidentally went over the scar, he just asked me not to press there hard since it was still tender, and it was fine. I still felt really bad, though, and knew that explicitly declaring a safeword was something I would want to do in future.

Anyway, I tickled him. I scoured my pockets for the things I had brought. I used my fingernails, fingers, a pen, rope, a pair of english reins I had, a plastic bag, water purification tablet foil, anything I could find. I had fun, I really did. Like I said, he was a naked man in a cage. I also felt afterwards that I neglected the aftercare, which was brief and somewhat constrained by the fact that I had to leave and he wanted to remain in the cage.

On the public transportation home, I found myself deeply disappointed even though the experience had been a good one, and not really sure why. It was just, I didn’t know him, so his reactions (which were plentiful and exuberant) didn’t mean as much to me. And tickling can be quite sadistic, but the tickling we did wasn’t really intense enough to satisfy me. When I tickle someone I want them spasming on the ground unable to breathe. I’ve done that before (in a vanilla relationship, before I was even close to admitting my kinkiness no less) and it rocks.

The experience was, however, educational on three points: Declaring a safeword is very important to me; I need to play with people I know; aftercare is very important to me.

The problem was with the “playing with people I know” part. For one, I barely knew anyone. For two, I have slightly insane standards of what “knowing someone” means. For three, I am a hermit. I told myself I was going to push my boundaries, and meet and get to know people, and play even if people or situations were not “ideal” or “perfect,” because if I waited for everything to be the way I wanted, I’d never get anything done. In a lot of ways, I’ve accomplished that. In others, I haven’t, either because of time constraints, being unable to connect to people and not believing I’ll be fulfilled playing with them if there’s no connection, and my slide into apathy because of what this City does to me.

I’m willing to take a lot of personal risks to explore my sexuality, because I’ve waited a damn long, self-repressed, hellish time to come into my own. And it isn’t happening nearly fast enough to suit me, which is partly because of the constraints listed above and partly the fact that I feel so completely alienated by this City. I’m half resigned to having to try to find a masochistic sub to play with a flintknapping workshop.

Blogging has given me a place to express my sentiments and opinions, and given insight into others’ perspectives on the same subjects in an interactive context. But I don’t like that blogging gives me the feeling that I’m actively exploring when I’m not. No amount of conjecture, or conflation, or abstraction on the subject as presented here is going to give me the experience I need and want. And I know I need to just go out and get the experience, and take the emotional risks, to play with people I’ve only known for a couple of weeks. That would go a whole lot better if I didn’t have any other obligations here, but I’ve got to work with what I’ve got.

All my play since the tickling scene has been in the educational realm, and I’ve usually been bottoming. I have a rope mentor. It’s very important to me to improve my skill set, but I don’t have anyone to practice on, and I haven’t met anyone I’d like to tie up. See above self-recriminations. Also I have a super vanilla housemate who would totally hear if I tried to flog a pillow to practice Florentining.

Then there’s the whole conundrum of the fact that I want to explore my sexuality without actually having sex. If my standards are high for wanting to hit someone, just wait to hear the list for sex acts. It isn’t actually a conundrum to me. To me it makes perfect sense to explore what turns me on physically, emotionally, and mentally without going any farther. But still. It’s a little weird.

So I don’t actually know how much I’ve accomplished in my exploration. I know I shouldn’t try to quantify it, but I still would like to know I learned as much as I could, which I don’t know that I have. Once I finally get the hell out of this City, something I long for daily, I know that finding kinky people will become exponentially harder. On the other hand, this City is chock-full of kinky people, but they’re not my kind of people, so it doesn’t really help. When I came here I told myself, “Well at least you’ll meet lots of different kinds of people.” But I haven’t. I feel like I’ve met the same person, over and over again.

My rope mentor put it, “It’s going to be harder for you to find people, because you’re a moving gun pointing at a moving target, whereas I, for instance, am a stationary gun pointing at a moving target.” In other words, I’m a nomad, and once you leave cities, the visible kinky population drops to about -50.

I just know that I am so, so, so not likely to find kinky submissive men at hide-tanning and permaculture workshops, but that those are also the most logical places for me to look; the places where my life-interests and my sexual-interests overlap. Kind of like a Ven Diagram.

I’m afraid of becoming jaded and bitter (well, more so than I already am about everything else) about my sexuality and my chances of being in a meaningful d/s and/or s&m relationship. I’m afraid that by not being satisfied by the City scene that I’m giving up opportunities I’m not aware of, even though in some ways that just doesn’t make sense.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. November 4, 2008 5:18 am

    I know exactly what you’re talking about. I think I may have moved beyond jaded myself. Sometimes it’s best to just accept things the way they are and go with the flow.

    Then again, it’s not like this theory works too well for me.

  2. November 4, 2008 9:51 am

    I so totally relate to this sentiment:

    I feel like I’ve met the same person, over and over again.

    I’ve got no great advice, sorry. Eventually you find someone interesting, and some of those people actually turn out to be worthy of your time. I hope you find more of them soon.

  3. devastatingyet permalink
    November 4, 2008 11:28 pm

    Good luck with this. My best guess is that you will have to simply get to know more people in the scene well enough to want to play with them. (I don’t think not wanting to have sex will be an obstacle, personally.)

    I’m in Denver and there are a fair number of kink opportunities here, so medium-sized cities can really work for kink. YMMV of course.

  4. ranat permalink
    November 5, 2008 5:44 am

    Thanks for commiserations, all. When I first admitted to myself I was kinky, it seemed the BDSM scene was the broad, well-paved avenue that I had been willfully blind to, but now it seems like a twisty little path through some rocks. But that can be an adventure all in itself.

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