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October 19, 2008

This makes my blood steam.

Not what MayMay wrote, since he wrote it very articulately about a very important subject, but the fact that it had to be written at all.

It is hard e-fucking-nough to be a dominant woman in this patriarchal/paternalist rapidly globalizing culture. To hear from childhood, “Well, you’re a very strong young lady, and I have no doubt *cough* you’ll be a trial to some lucky man out there *cough*.”

Can’t he just, you know, deal?

“Well, you’re a, er, very strong-willed young woman, and that’s great! It’s just, um, men can’t really handle that. You can be very intimidating, and, uh, most men don’t know how to deal with that. So maybe, ah, just tone it down until a man gets to know you, right?”

No one wants me the way I am, so I have to pretend to be someone else to trick someone into taking me?

“You’re just going to have to accept that most men don’t know how to handle a strong woman.”

I have to be handled?

Growing up I could just bulldoze my way through my culture’s lies, with occasional bathroom breaks in the realm of self-doubt. Often, because there was no forum for me to express my dominance without ridicule, I had to be a domineering bitch instead (which was, strangely, more socially acceptable). “Domineering bitch” is a shield, it’s a wall, that while not impenetrable, can get me through the day.

As “domineering bitch” is to dominant woman, so “needy weakling” is to submissive man. It’s the twisted, [comparatively] socially acceptable alternative to actually expressing a submissive sexual identity in all its glory. There is no real forum, even within the BDSM community, it seems, for submissive men to express themselves without ridicule, without shame. But “domineering bitch” can be a shield. I’m not so sure “needy weakling” can have the save protective qualities. The prevalent ideas of dominant women and submissive men are so fucked up that it’s actually more acceptable to be something negative and undesirable than to be positively dominant or submissive.

Now it can be fun to roleplay “domineering bitch” or “needy weakling.” Shame has been eroticized by the dominant culture, and for me there’s no escaping that. For me that kind of roleplay is a way to excise the shame, to get it out of my system in a safe, healthy way, while still having the benefits of getting off on it. Win-win when you’ve already been through the grinder. I’m not talking about that. That’s play. That’s not real, and we have to remember that it isn’t.

I’m talking about when it’s real, when people, when men, really are ashamed to be submissive.

And here’s where my ultra-protective streak comes in, and I start frothing at the mouth at the thought of all the men who are my sexual counterparts being ground beneath the heel of macho culture, told that they are weak, and creepy, and unnatural, and sick, and unmasculine, not men, and all that comes out of the grinder is this.

It burns my fucking blood.

I’m just going to rant a bit now about the idea that male submission is not masculine.

I am a small woman. I am slight. I am not very strong. I know how to use my body when riding a horse but not when dancing, I know how to use my weight and the limitations of my strength to lift heavy objects that many people wouldn’t think I could. I am only trained in the rudiments of hand-to-hand fighting, but I am not afraid to punch.

All this is to say that most men could fucking decimate me if they wanted to.

Now an enormous part of my identity as a dominant woman is the idea that women have been dominated by men for thousands of years in civilized cultures (the forebears of the civilization I was born into), and I’m flipping the tables. You dominated me, you took my children, denied my pleasure, raped my body, and now it is my fucking turn. Do I blame every man I see for the crimes of generations of men who are not him? No (unless he happens to be continuing the trend). But the idea is buried in my genes, written in the hidden parts of my mind.

As a result there is nothing sexier to me than a man who has been raised in a culture of oppression of women, who has been spoon fed lies through advertising, through schooling, through the economy, through literature, through movies, through porn, that he is better because of his genitals, more valued, that his pleasure is paramount, that he has the right to any woman’s body that he desires– and takes all his patriarchal cultural conditioning and shucks it off, like an old skin. Who says to himself and the rest of the world, “This is bullshit, and I will not participate in it.”

I must interrupt my impassioned narrative to interject that I am not bashing healthy dominant man/submissive woman culture (which is a whole ‘nother ball of wax), nor am I advocating female supremacy, which is just as much bullshit as male supremacy.

However, because of the misogynist cultural norms I was battered with at every stage of my life, and my childhood rebellion against them, there is nothing so heart-stoppingly, brain-freezingly, sudden-stillness-on-a-windy-night as a man who could physically pulverize me, and has been told every day of his life that he has the right to do so, deciding instead to give himself to me, to use, to hurt, to pleasure, to make mine.

There is nothing stronger, nothing more masculine than that. I fucking respect that.

To let me hit him. To let me tie him up. For me to trust him to let me cut him, deny his senses, deny his pleasure, deny his self-control.

I could kill you. I could maim you. I could. It wouldn’t be very hard. I have knives. And hands. And teeth.

I’m not very strong but it only takes four pounds of pressure to choke the life out of someone. I have it on good authority that it’s not that hard to bite through a cock. But you’re tied up, trapped in my knots. And if you’re not, you could stop me. You’re probably stronger than me. You could stop me. You could.

But you won’t.

Because you submit to me.

Because you trust me that much.

Because you are so secure in your masculinity that my dominance does not make you afraid of losing what you are.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. jon permalink
    October 20, 2008 2:20 am

    To let you tie him up. Yes.

    And to accept the gag, because then there are no safe words.

  2. October 20, 2008 5:10 am

    Perhaps interestingly, my bitterness over the matter of illegitimacy of male submissive sexuality has very little to do with history, though I do understand and recognize the historical issues that have shaped our society’s rejection of such sexuality. Similarly, and unlike the way I read my other submissive men’s expressions of their sexuality, my submission does not stem from the desire to reverse the eons of oppression women have endured. The fact that women have been oppressed so is irrelevant to the essence of my own sexuality.

    Nevertheless, that reality does provide ample fuel for my fantasies, wherein gender-bias can be played with safely and freely. I like those fantasies, and I like exploring such masturbatory thoughts.

    Anyway, beyond that intellectualizing, let me also just say that this post was in the range of ZOMGHAWT. Kthxbai. :)

  3. ranat permalink
    October 20, 2008 1:37 pm

    @Jon: Gags too. Oh yes. Safeword-optional would depend very much on how longstanding the relationship is though, and the individuals involved.

    @Maymay: Thank you. :) Yeah, I find it really interesting the range of diversity in a sexuality that is essentially a subculture of a subculture. One might assume everything is fairly homogeneous (certainly femdom porn would have you think so… *twitch*), but in reality what is relevant and meaningful for each person’s expression of dominance and submission (insert other sexuality as needed) is going to range the whole human spectrum just like anything else. Table-flipping/comeuppance just happens to be a big part of mine (then there’s the purely aesthetic factor of rope over all those lovely body parts).

  4. October 21, 2008 11:30 am

    Oh, I can get behind the table-flipping/comeuppance…or in front of it, or any way that will please you for me to be about it. ;) It is hot, but what is hot about it for me stems from the inclination for play and fantasy fulfillment rather than its virtue as a “core” part of my sexuality.

    That said, rope bondage is very much a core expression of my sexuality, and finding the opportunities for play (and any interaction, really) between two people really boils down to finding the ways to combine both people’s wants so that the experience is mutually rewarding…in whatever way that means, of course. ;)

    (Disclaimer: I’ve done more winking than I intended in this comment.)

  5. ranat permalink
    October 21, 2008 12:21 pm

    Well, I’m working on the rope bondage. Rope is good for everything. Sailing, climbing, hanging clothes to dry, tying up victims…

    …hanging victims from ceilings…

    Suffice to say that it’s just useful.

  6. jon permalink
    October 21, 2008 6:21 pm

    Rope is effective, nice to look at, and a natural substance.

    But there is a brutal efficiency, a speed and seriousness to handcuffs, especially the hinged kind.

    The mood strikes you, and in an instant, he’s helpless.

  7. jon permalink
    October 21, 2008 6:27 pm

    PS: The time stamp says 6:21 PM. Is this server in London without Daylight Saving change, or the Azores?!

  8. ranat permalink
    October 21, 2008 11:16 pm

    The server’s just doing it’s own thing, and I don’t care enough to change it. I need to reaccustom myself to cyclical time anyway, rather than these strange blocks we call seconds, minutes, and hours.


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