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My Clitoris is My Enemy

September 28, 2008

And fuck anyone who tells me it’s the primary spot of sexual pleasure for all women. That is a lie.

My clitoris is small, useless, and barely feels anything, except when it is being oversensitive and extremely painful. “Clitoral engorgement?” I don’t know what the fuck that is, but it’s never happened to me even at my most desperately horny. It prefers to stay sequestered in its hood, minding its own fucking business except when it decides to cause me pain. Like right now.

Sometimes I just fucking hate all the people who badgered me to masturbate, and told me I was just repressed for not doing it. I obviously was just fighting my natural desire that “everyone” has because of religious conditioning, it wasn’t that I had zilch desire to do so. I hate them because I bought into it, and I believed that maybe there was something more than just being desperately horny, that there was some kind of relief or release and it was all a fucking sex-positive lie as people forced their own desires and experiences onto me. And I let them.

I let them and I started masturbating, and I went into it with such a positive attitude that I wasn’t necessarily going to be able to orgasm at first but that was ok, I would have to get used to it, find what I liked, which buttons to push, and it might take a while since I hadn’t done it for so long, but when it happens it will be physically and emotionally healthy, and nothing, nothing, nothing. All it does is leave me frustrated to tears, five times worse off than I was, sore and aching for the next week and constantly reinforcing that sexual experience is unpleasant, and painful.

But I keep fucking trying. Why? Why do I keep trying something that only brings me frustration and pain? Because everyone else is doing it, and it works for everyone else, so obviously, I, the person who is not fulfilled by masturbation must be wrong. I am obviously just repressed. I am obviously just completely unaware of my own body and desires. I must conform myself to everyone else’s idea of normal and their sad attempts to reject the cultural shame surrounding masturbation by patting each other on the back and assuring each other “Everyone does it.”

I have stimulated my clitoris in the ways that were the least unpleasant, I have found my g-spot and stimulated that, I have used dildos, and wine bottles and electric toothbrushes wrapped in tape while fantasizing my most sordid fantasies and it has done absolutely nothing. A lot of times it even feels good. But the little bit that it feels pleasant isn’t worth the emotional breakdown when all my hormones and endorphins and physical responses are left, crashed and burned, waiting for a conclusion that doesn’t exist.

Not everyone masturbates. Not everyone likes masturbating. Not everyone should masturbate unless they damn well fucking want to. I am not alone. I know other people who don’t masturbate. They have no desire to masturbate. It isn’t a part of their sexuality.

Since buying into the lies of my sex-positive peers, I have never brought myself intentionally to orgasm. I’ve had orgasms in my sleep, maybe four in the last three years. I had two of them the other morning. And you know what? Not that special. Interesting, yes. Kind of feels good. Sort of. But certainly not good enough to torment myself just to justify someone else’s latent guilt about their own autosexual activities.

You want to masturbate because it makes you feel good? Fine. Go do that, and I hope it makes you happy. But don’t fucking dare tell me I should or that it’s “normal” for everyone.

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