Horny vs. Horny… vs. Horny
Today I was horny to the point of distraction. And having an allergy attack. It was not a productive combination. Yesterday I was also horny to distraction. The day before I was pretty damn horny and holding off on masturbating because I was going to see Bema, and knew that self-given orgasm would pretty much kill any potential for two-person sex. My arousal tends to come in spikes like this.
Three days ago my arousal was physical. I was wet, and actively wanting sex with Bema as opposed to sex with me. Sometimes that’s not the case. Sometimes I want sex with me and not sex with Bema. Which sometimes drives Bema nuts because with my libido for non-s/m-d/s sex already being pretty low, it seems to further limit when I want sex with Bema (which I’m not convinced is actually the case).
Yesterday and today though… I wanted sex with me, or, rather, what being able to fully focus on my fantasies and not the other person I’m sharing the experience with could give me. Thing was, I haven’t actually been physically aroused. It was a surprise, expecting to be wet and ready because how else could my body respond to the sheer arousal that was driving me to not be able to concentrate on well, anything else? But pretty dry vagina. Unresponsive clitoris.
I was d/s horny. I was s/m horny. Orgasm took the edge off, but really it was just an endorphin bandaid. I don’t need sex. I need to beat the crap out of someone. I need to push someone against a wall, and hold them down. I need their energy responding so willingly, hungrily to my own. Bema would probably be willing to go through some of the motions, might even get something out of it. Bema is not available right now. Even if they were, I doubt it would be quite enough.
I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel desperate. I don’t feel devastatingly alone. I do feel sad, fairly often, that I don’t have that in my life right now. I do hold on to the belief that it will be there at some point.
So… new layer of self-understanding, no direct relief in sight. Progress?
I was d/s horny. I was s/m horny. Orgasm took the edge off, but really it was just an endorphin bandaid. I don’t need sex. I need to beat the crap out of someone. I need to push someone against a wall, and hold them down. I need their energy responding so willingly, hungrily to my own. Bema would probably be willing to go through some of the motions, might even get something out of it. Bema is not available right now. Even if they were, I doubt it would be quite enough.
Did you read my new post Hunger for Pain? For the first time in my life I faced the scary possibility that this is something I crave for and it might not be something they crave for. Even as it turns out it is something they crave for too there is uncertainty about the content and the level of actions.
There was this hole in my heart for wanting it and not being quite able to just take the actions, if the other one is not aroused and raised by hurting me. I needed to feel they needed to do it to me. The hunger.
So, I know exactly what you need. I’m wondering, and I know you feel you have to wade through this, but is it good for you to be in a relationship with someone not being able to give what you need? Is there a possibility of a new relationship besided this one, or is Daos’ control closing that door for you? Or are you closing that door for you?
You mentioned having a play partner for a while. This is a thought I presented in our relationship, but we ended up closing maybe even further. We also ended up disclosing a need to become more 24/7 or TPE or something to that effect, which I guess was what I was looking for when looking for something else. How about you? How did it work?
So, I know exactly what you need.
This should be “feel”. I don’t claim to know what you need! Sorry.
It’s a pleasure to see you writing here again.
The DS and SM horniness stuff – I very much wish you someone in your life with whom this spark happens, reciprocated. I experience these as desires all of their own too, for a specific kind of intimacy. When they’re there, they point unmistakeably in the sadomasochistic direction.
Could you perhaps send me an email when you’ve got a moment, Ranat? The current address on your ‘Talk to me’ page sends an error notification. An older email address I tried a while ago as well is perhaps not in use any more either.