Resources on Transitioning into the Poly

So instead of my promised post on how I briefly got a playpartner (still coming), I have a request from myself and interested parties for poly resources. Specifically books or other in-depth material on the transition into non-monogamous/poly/open/multiple partner relationships. Because sometimes it’s something that people really want, not on principal, but in their bones, but all this deep emotional shit starts flying.

It’s personally relevant because of my relationship with Daos, Bema’s long term partner. We’ve gone through stages where Daos wanted to kill me, ignored me, verbally abused me, or treated me with manic cheerfulness. I took a lot of this extremely personally. Which was my choice. My feelings of hurt or rejection or judgment are my own shit to deal with. Because I know Daos. And I know that Daos is not actually a crazy, hateful person. That’s my own judgment and hurt bouncing right back. It’s all an expression of pain, and it’s a pain that I can’t fix, couldn’t fix even if Bema and I were not sexually and emotionally involved. I got to a point where even when my relationship with Daos was going smoothly and was superficially friendly that I was closed off to Daos. I just wanted the interaction to be over.

I spent some time away from both of them, and was able to get more of a big-picture image of things. The agreement the three of us have about how Bema and I interact in public and how we interact in front of Daos (which is to say, we don’t. Another post) was, and is, not working for me. And I was looking for all these practical, surface-level ways to fix it. Then I finally realized that the surface stuff isn’t going to fix it. I sat down with Daos and told them, “I think it all comes down to this: We have to have a real relationship. It doesn’t mean we have to be lovers, or best-buddies. It just has to be real, and open, or we’re going to go splat. I want to be open in my relationship with you. That’s the energy I want to put into this. Everything else will fall out from there.”

And things have shifted. A lot. It’s not perfect. It’s not ideal. I still question whether Bema and I not being affectionate or sexual in front of Daos is actually helping Daos. It’s a dialogue that’s ongoing. But when I look back to where we started a year ago- Wow. We went from Daos wanting to kill me, vetoing me, and me feeling like a devastated child to really being able to see each other and the challenges we’re both facing. And part of the reason we’ve gotten where we are is because Bema and I took it slow, and we did a lot to be sensitive to Daos’ emotional turmoil. And Daos, for their part, let go of a lot of control, and jumped off quite a few personal cliffs, and no one’s gone splat yet.

Caveat: Half the time being “sensitive” to Daos’ pain meant Bema and I were really just suppressing ourselves, and letting Daos control the situation. That was healthy for exactly none of us. And I reached a point where I just had to say, “I’m not making a stand. I am against no one. But I am standing. This is what I want, this is what I feel, and I can’t fix your pain by not acting on it.” But other times it was simply recognizing that this is a process, one that takes time and energy and mishaps and learning and talking and feeling and listening and it’s just messy.

And someone asked me to ask around the online community for resources about transitioning into poly, so, whatcha got?