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The Past 6 Months: Bema

July 21, 2011

So for the past six months I haven’t been writing here, largely because I’ve been in active sexual relationships and all of the interpersonal figuring-out that entails, and it was too overwhelming to write about it all here. Then it was too overwhelming not to. Then I wrote it, and it was too overwhelming to finish.

I wrote this two months ago, and a lot has changed. But as of May, this is where my relationship with Bema was at.

~~~

I was a little leery of another so-called “vanilla” partner. I kind of had the attitude of, “Been there, done that, know what I want.” But when the sexual tension between Bema and I was so strong, and I began to wonder. Really wonder if my sexuality was more fluid than I thought. I went back and forth, back and forth, for months, between “Bema is clearly not my sexual counterpart” and “I must fuck Bema now.” Part of the latter may have been due to the fact that I didn’t have sex for two decades, got to taste it for three months, then had a year dry spell. I finally realized I was never going to know what was there for us unless I just did it.

So we did.

And I was like, “What. Just. Happened.”

I was disappointed, and because I repressed that disappointment I was angry. My shit, not Bema’s. There were a variety of factors, including my unconscious expectations from my first partner, different sexual styles, our different sexualities, and our newness. It took a while for the sex to get better for me, and I was horribly confused. Sex with my first partner started out good. This may have been because I was coming off two decades of abstinence. I’m confident it’s not just a case of memories growing better with time; I checked in with my first partner’s ex-partner. It was just good sex. I also think my first partner’s sexuality was at least a few shades closer to mine than Bema’s is.

I don’t actually have radically different sex with Bema than I did with my first partner, except that there is actually more BDSM-type play with Bema because I’m in a much more confident place and Bema is very open to it. But there’s an energy difference. Bema doesn’t have the spark. My first partner did, at least a little.

The best sex I have with Bema is when I bring in rope, or enact a dominant role even though Bema isn’t submitting to me, or even bottoming. I think Bema sees it as something along the lines of bottoming, but to me it’s not. Even that energy isn’t there (except for two really, really sexy instances).

I’m more or less coming to the same conclusion I did with my first partner: That I can enjoy sex without BDSM-type elements, but I don’t want it very often. Once or twice a week, max. Bema, being firmly centered in that sexuality, wants it considerably more often.

I’ve been doing a lot of personal experimentation, poking my somewhat fluid sexuality and seeing what happens. Perhaps because I repressed almost any sexual expression for so long, my modus operendi has been to only seek sex, either with myself or another person, after I’m already horny. So I’ve been playing with being open to sex if Bema seduces me.

What’s made this tricky is that, unbeknownst to me, I’ve internalized some cultural conditioning that says I’m obligated to have sex, or that I should have sex to make someone feel better or keep them happy. To keep the peace. That is scary as fuck. Bema and I would be having a conversation about our mismatched sexualities and how to meet our respective sexual needs, and I would start getting aroused. And I wouldn’t know if I was aroused because I had real desire or if I was aroused in some subconscious effort to keep the peace. Scary. As. Fuck.

It was so scary that I would pull back emotionally and set an iron boundary that Bema felt helpless against. Bema would feel rejected and in turn pull away by becoming passive out of fear that they were forcing something on me. I would sense the passivity and encourage Bema to be more pro-active while I tried to be open to their desire for more frequent sex. But I was partially doing it to keep the peace out of fear of losing the other aspects of our intimate relationship. Add to the mix that Bema has internalized cultural conditioning of expecting sex, and we have a feedback loop of doom if we don’t pull ourselves out of it. Which is what we’re trying to do.

Bema has a lot of hurt that’s triggered by this situation. It’s not about me, or the circumstances, the hurt is about events that happened before I was ever in the picture. I know that intellectually, but part of me is terrified that without sex being central to our intimacy, Bema won’t want to be intimate at all. The thought of losing Bema’s skin, or any other expression of the profound connection I feel with them is devastating. Which helps me understand what Bema’s feeling about the possibility of us having rare or no sex. Sex is when Bema feels most connected. I feel most connected (in our particular relationship) during massage, or skin-time, or with the exchange of energy.

We’ve both been able to recognize what was happening for us, and more or less take ownership of our shit (which is always an ongoing process). I’ve really been working on not giving in to compulsions to sexually placate, and telling Bema about my sexual dissatisfaction and not secretly grow resentful.

Back to being seduced by Bema: When I tie someone up, or hurt them and get reactions, I’m pretty much instantly wet. Foreplay without d/s or s/m? It’s pretty hard for me to get aroused. It feels good, but it’s not what gets me hot and bothered. Without d/s or s/m it tends to take a lot of direct genital stimulation and fantasy on my part to get me aroused enough to have sex. I’ve always needed fantasy to orgasm, ever since I started having them with myself, with my first partner, with Bema. But now its’ like I”m compensating for the d/s or s/m energy that isn’t there by making it in my head. I think we all create the energy we’re craving, but it got to a point where it wasn’t healthy.

I finally told Bema the other day that sex just isn’t working for me. We’ve agrede to not have sex until I’m ready to rip Bema’s pants off. There are times when I honestly feel like I may never want to have sex again (I doubt this is actually true). Right now even my interest in d/s or s/m usually registers between between nil and mild interest. I’ve been having so much sex -for me, which is to say two times a week, at most- that my libido has gone on vacation. More than that, I’ve been having regular orgasms, and orgasms generally send my libido to sleep.

I’ve even played with not masturbating to “save up” my libido and help foster some sexual tension. I think a lot of times, when I’m really horny, I’m viewing Bema through submissive-tinted lenses even though that’s simply not who they are. And when I’m not independently horny it’s almost painfully obvious exactly how un-submissive Bema is. Bema’s not dominant, either. Bema does find the idea of being in charge exciting sometimes, and has some toppish fantasies I think they’re too afraid to act on. There have been times when I’ve welcomed Bema’s toppish energy because at least the energy was there, if not in my ideal proportions.

Just when I started drafting this post I had my first spontaneous fantasy in a long time. Orgasm control, strap on, collar. It wasn’t enough to inspire me to have sex, but the libido seemed to be recovering. I have masturbated once: It was real, unforced arousal, fantasizing about things that are actually hot to me in real life, not just my fantasy tropes of rape and torture. It was awesome.

When I started exploring with Bema, what I really saw for us was sensual intimacy around the powerful emotional connection we have, and maybe occasionally having sex. Even then Bema’s sexual expression of intimacy was very obvious, and stronger than mine. Bema wants sex with me bad. I love Bema’s skin, I love molding myself to them and touching and playing, and playing sexually without having sex, and maybe occasionally vigorously using Bema’s sex parts. I don’t know what kind of balance we’ll find to meet our needs, or if we will. Right now I feel at peace with that. At other times I’ve been afraid of losing the connection and sharing we have. I’ve experimented in Bema’s end of the sexual spectrum, both out of openness, and in an unhealthy attempt to keep the status quo. Now I’m going to go with my instincts, and see what happens.

~~~

So a lot as changed since I wrote that out by hand, and a lot remains the same. I want to renew my presence on the blog, both because I want to share my experience and because the online community is where I’ve found a lot of support in the past.

Next in the chronicles of the past six months, I’ll talk about the play partner I found under my nose. Seriously.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. August 12, 2011 1:21 pm

    What’s made this tricky is that, unbeknownst to me, I’ve internalized some cultural conditioning that says I’m obligated to have sex, or that I should have sex to make someone feel better or keep them happy. To keep the peace. That is scary as fuck. Bema and I would be having a conversation about our mismatched sexualities and how to meet our respective sexual needs, and I would start getting aroused. And I wouldn’t know if I was aroused because I had real desire or if I was aroused in some subconscious effort to keep the peace. Scary. As. Fuck.

    It was so scary that I would pull back emotionally and set an iron boundary that Bema felt helpless against. Bema would feel rejected and in turn pull away by becoming passive out of fear that they were forcing something on me. I would sense the passivity and encourage Bema to be more pro-active while I tried to be open to their desire for more frequent sex. But I was partially doing it to keep the peace out of fear of losing the other aspects of our intimate relationship.

    This. I’ve been there. I can totally relate to what you’re going through.

    It’s almost funny since I was the one with the higher libido, still am of course, but because I was getting so little sex, I felt like I had to always accept the advances. Even if I didn’t want to. Which hurt Wonderboy, because he couldn’t now, if I really wanted or not, he just had to trust me. I used to be so resentful after it made his heart sink.

    I’ve really been working on not giving in to compulsions to sexually placate, and telling Bema about my sexual dissatisfaction and not secretly grow resentful.

    This was the hard road for me. Telling about the dissatisfaction, asking for what I need and knowing what to ask for! Hard. But it turned things around, when I finally could take charge of my own desires and ask for them to be fulfilled.

    Is it impossible to tie him up and use him? I can’t even imagine what it must be like with someone, who isn’t really into it. Without the energy. Sounds hard.

    Maybe you are so angry for net getting what you need and having to fantasise it all and having to spend sex in your head, you don’t want sex at all. I know I was there with my ex. Finally I just didn’t want anything to do with him in a sexual way. And with Wonderboy I couldn’t first connect, even when I was getting all I ever secretly wanted and needed, because I was used to being in my head. It was safe.

    Having a real fantasy about real things that turn you on is in my opinion a huge step forward. Slowly I’ve been opening up to it and can even fantasise about Wonderboy and the stuff we do. That used to be impossible for me. It’s healthy for me to be able to face what I want in my fantasies. I’m not scared of it anymore, and I’m not scared of asking for it.

    I hope you find a way to incorporate the d/s and s/m you need in your relationship. I would feel completely alone and rejected, if I was to go without them. Love would just make it worse.

  2. August 12, 2011 1:21 pm

    Also, happy you’re writing again! I’ve missed your thoughts.

  3. ranat permalink*
    September 2, 2011 12:27 am

    I really want to get back into the groove writing here again. I’m realizing I really need support from people in these communities that I don’t have in person right now.

  4. ranat permalink*
    September 2, 2011 12:34 am

    Which hurt Wonderboy, because he couldn’t now, if I really wanted or not, he just had to trust me. I used to be so resentful after it made his heart sink.

    Yep, we’ve had lots of this. It’s been really important for us to recognize what’s happening and each take responsibility for our emotions. That way we can actually empathize with where the other person is coming from.

    Having a real fantasy about real things that turn you on is in my opinion a huge step forward.

    This has been steadily progressing. I rarely can orgasm from it, but I consistently get turned on by it more as my playlist of real-life and real-life-inspired sexual experiences gets longer.

    I hope you find a way to incorporate the d/s and s/m you need in your relationship.

    Right now we’re both on our own frontiers; me with “vanilla” sex, and Bema with “kinky” sex. And it might seem like the frontiers are going in opposite directions, but really they’re the same thing. We’re exploring what it means to be human. And that’s sexy all by itself.

  5. September 13, 2011 6:09 am

    Right now we’re both on our own frontiers; me with “vanilla” sex, and Bema with “kinky” sex. And it might seem like the frontiers are going in opposite directions, but really they’re the same thing. We’re exploring what it means to be human. And that’s sexy all by itself.

    This sounds good. Sexuality is still sexuality even if it isn’t a certain kind. Right?

    I really want to get back into the groove writing here again. I’m realizing I really need support from people in these communities that I don’t have in person right now.

    I’m here, at least. For me writing is collecting my thoughts, so I need it even if I have someone in person to talk to about this.

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