“it would be a lot easier for you to find a sub man if you weren’t also bothered by the gender politics of the vast majority of sub men out there (for example). And building an actual relationship gets even trickier–finding a sexually compatible man who’s also anti-civ or anarchist or at least has *some* affinity with radical politics?”

This is the part where I was getting really frustrated. I felt like I was either in one world or the other, with no happy mixture. I was especially afraid of being condemned by people in anti-civ circles. But the guy in the last conversation I described said something that really resonated with me: If I discuss my sexuality coming from a place of fear, then the people around me will probably react from a place of fear. Now obviously my own attitude about my sexuality will not always assuage people’s fears, but it does make sense to me that if I treat it matter of factly and as an integrated part of me, people who know me will be more likely to feel comfortable around that part of me. Plus the exercise will help me heal through the lingering consequences of my self-repression.

“(Not to mention the fact that a lot of the vocabulary wouldn’t even really make sense to someone who wasn’t already steeped in that culture.)”

Yeah, I kept finding myself about to blurt an acronym into these conversations, and I was like, “Wait…”

Also, this: “I challenged myself to describe my dominance to him without using the vocabulary of the subculture. Like the tropes of kink, the vocabulary of kink is not mine. It might be a useful tool, some of it might crudely describe what I feel, but it really cannot be accurate to me.”

I think I don’t do this nearly often enough. I have definitely adopted a lot of mainstream BDSM vocabulary for simplicity’s sake, and that does bother me. (Not to mention the fact that a lot of the vocabulary wouldn’t even really make sense to someone who wasn’t already steeped in that culture.)

@thumper – Thanks.

My concept of my sexuality is largely driven by my desire to be active, the do-er of activities. But also to a lesser degree there is my desire to be receptive, the accepter of activities. My sexuality is about receiving control from another person that is freely given, and receiving trust, freely offered. It is about giving pleasure and pain. It is about stretching boundaries. It is about embracing someone with everything that I am.

I desire people who are receptive, and active participants in their own desire. I desire people who want to receive pain and pleasure, who want to give control over to me freely, who accept my trust. Who want me to stretch boundaries, theirs and my own, who open to me everything that they are.

Beautifully, wonderfully described.

Hm, I really should go trawling for new!K/new!S, too.

I’m feeling really challenged about not knowing what I want from experience. I can sift through all my repressed fantasies that I’ve had all my life, searching for my basic desires, but part of me feels like there’s no way to really know until I just do it.

Can you tell I’m feeling a little down?