Want and Wanting

I realized, about five minutes ago, that I have never actually told anyone what I wanted in a mate. Not my closest friends, who I would die for, who I would put myself under torture for, who I would let myself be raped for if it would save them, all in the horrible, non-kinky ways that are bad. Not all the pleasant acquaintances who have come and gone in my life, not the people who gave birth to me and raised me, who have enough problems worrying about if I’m (oh no!) lesbian.

I have never told anyone what I wanted in a partner, not everything. Just little bits and pieces, always holding back, so careful not to cross the line, here and there, revealing snippets of my desires according to what I think would be acceptable to each person, slipping in the more controversial things as a joke so maybe it would be pass by unremarked. I started to try to tell someone who used to be close to me, in the most reasonable, unkinky of terms, and he did not get it. He did not get it at all.

I am telling myself I am crazy and sad and pitiful for writing this down in a blog instead of telling it to someone I know and care about, but I am terrified that no one wants to hear about it, no one wants to have to keep track of one more layer of the enigma they think of as me.

I want a helpmate, I want a partner, who is maybe also my slave, a man (or men) who is strong and healthy in mind and spirit, who can grow food with me and live in a hobbit-hole with me, and can help me raise our children, who can talk to horses and can convince them to let him ride them, who can watch the migration of beetles or birds or streams and come to a meaningful conclusion, who can submit to me because I have earned his trust. I want a man who will let me beat him and beg me not to and love me for doing it, who might be physically stronger than me but I know he will never use his strength against me, who will teach and love his children, who will tell me what he thinks and feels and will never be afraid of me except when it’s sexy. I want a man I can ravish and ravage and pleasure and torture, who doesn’t have to talk to me to speak to me, who can bring home a deer and mushrooms and nuts and make a fire and not suck the life out of me like a parasite when he holds me. I want a man (or men, and maybe a woman) who can tell me my mistakes and my fuckups and my bad habits without making me feel like shit, who can and will believe the worst in me and still love me, who I can protect and nurture and be protected by, who I can learn from, and just be with, and I can hurt in the ways that make my brain shiver and my throat close up, who will be honest and direct whenever possible, and scathingly sarcastic whenever applicable, who has trees and grasses for friends and who will understand autumn. I want a man who will grow, who will give me the gift of letting me control him, and hurt him and dominate him, and when I’m too headfucked to think anymore will just let me sleep and lay beside me and nothing else. I want a man who will not forget to look around him, or up at the sky, and will not let me forget either, who I can thank God, or whatever God likes to be called, for and will not be offended by it. Who will let me take care of him when he’s hurt in the bad way, and maybe enjoy the fact that he’s hurt in the bad way, who will let me pull his hair, and not make me afraid to tell him I love him. I want someone who will remind me to eat, who will beg me to fuck him, hard, who will let me tie him up and leave him in excruciating positions for hours just to please my eyes, who will whimper and cry, and if his family is ever in danger will fight, to the brink of death and sanity and past if need be to protect them like I will for him.

And it all just seems so maudlin, so full of self-pity and self-centeredness and unreasonable expectations and other traits that I despise. But I want it.

I want to be wanted, and not needed, and I want to want him and not be chained as his emotional crutch, and I want to be the absolute best I can be for him so that I will be wantable and not wanting, and I want what I want to be reasonable and possible and touchable.